When I was 18 years old I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and told I may have difficulty when I came to trying for kids. Up until then kids had been a footnote in the plan I had for my life. I was happily cruising along, fresh out of high school with a steady (dickhead) boyfriend, planning to head into modelling, acting, singing and all the rest of it.
So the doctor looks me straight in the eyes, “This does not mean you will never have kids, but for your best shot you should have the first one before you turn 30. And I’d recommend leaving a couple of years for trying as it may be difficult.”
So in my head, this translated to one age: 28.
When the Viking & I first got together I told him all this, and that I had a deadline. He knew, he accepted it, and we both went on our merry way thinking “Oh, that’s years away”.
Except now it isn’t.
Now it’s only 2 days away as I turn 28 on Saturday. And I’m panicking.
I’m not ready! I work at a company with great maternity leave, only I’m on contract so I’m not eligible for it (I am for the duration of my contract, which isn’t long enough to get any). We have a house, but our mortgage is so high we can’t lose my income. We were planning to go overseas last year but couldn’t, then we were planning for this year and due to unforeseen circumstances and lots of unforeseen expenses as cars have been crashed into, fridges have died and dishwashers have blown up it’s now looking like we’re not going this year either.
Then there’s child support. Something not many people think about when they’re saying to me “We have a mortgage and we made having a child work” Yep, that’s all good, but it wouldn’t financially be our first child. It would be our second.
I’m scared of the pain of childbirth and whether or not I’ll actually be a good mother. I’m scared of the change to my lifestyle, because it will be a massive change. I’m scared I’ll get bored at home with a baby, or I won’t like being a mother as much as I think I will.
But with all of this going on in my head I still stare at this photo taken on the weekend, I think of how lovely it was sitting there with this baby as she lent her head against me, snuggled into me and dozed a little bit. As I put her on the sofa beside me, using my legs to protect her, and she looked up at the Viking while he talked, transfixed by his voice and manner.
I stare at this photo wondering if that’s what life would be like. And after watching me with her baby for a while, the mother of this baby said to me “I’m sorry to say this, but T, you need a baby! You’re a natural.”
I knew I wanted kids from the moment the doctor told me I may never have them. I knew, and I’ve not been shy of saying so. But now my scary age is here and I’m not ready!
Do you have a scary age? Have you passed it? Did you have a timeline for your life?
Images: 1 2 taken by the Viking and used with permission of the child’s parents