Ah colonic irrigation. Surely, everyone knows what it is? If not, let me reflush, I mean, refresh you.
Sometimes called colonic hydrotherapy or ‘colon cleansing’ is supposed to be a way of ‘cleaning out’ your insides, is supposed to ‘revitalise’ the colon and flush out ‘old food and toxins’ that get, um, caught in your bowel. According to some, it’s such an old practice that the ancient Egyptians even did it, because way back then, they associated poo (sorry, faeces) with decay, and decay meant death.
Basically, you go to a colonic hydrotherapist (accredited and legit only), and they insert a tube (the other end of which is attached to a machine) UP YOUR BUM, and flush water slowly through the tube, while massaging your abdomen, to release, well, old poo, which is then flushed out through a separate tube (into the machine, with a nice clear little strip so you can see all your poo being flushed out).
It’s all the rage among the celebrities, and, ahem, my favourite beauty writer, Zoe Foster (see her post on her love of colonics on primped.com.au here and here). Apparently it’s supposed to clear out old waste (you’re supposed to think about how much you eat each day vs how much you, err, release in waste each day to picture what is actually stuck in your bowel), make you feel less bloated, aid weight loss, make your skin clear and eliminates ‘toxins’ sitting in your bowel.
According to some colonic hydrotherapists, it can also aid in treating illnesses such as IBS and get this….depression (FYI, I strongly disagree with any suggestion that having your poo flushed out of your bowel assists with depression, it sounds completely nonsensical to me).
Sometimes, it is even suggested by colon irrigation enthusiasts that generally, you should SQUAT on the toilet when you go (no 2 only I think), as the bowel isn’t “kinked” by you sitting on the loo, which means you release more waste. In other words, more poo comes out. I can just imagine squatting on my toilet, the lid giving way and me falling to the ground, being discovered by Mr W and having to explain to the real estate agent how I broke the toilet lid. FUN TIMES.
Of course, most doctors will tell you that there is no scientific evidence to support the suggestion that colonic irrigation is of any benefit to anyone, as the body expels waste naturally. That’s what our bodies are designed for. Also, there is a chance it can go wrong.
Most people who know me, know that I eat lots of chocolate. Obviously, chocolate has almost no nutritional value, and according to colonic lover logic, it must be stuck IN MY BOWEL somewhere, releasing toxins into my body by clinging to my bowel wall. Mmmmm.
The bottom part of my tummy always pokes out, even when I was super skinny, it was a little pokey out tummy. Whenever I read any stories about colonic irrigation, I immediately think “the pokey out tummy could just be old POO sitting in my bowels, OMG, I need to get colonic irrigation, it will make me feel so clean and free from waste!”
Then my logical side kicks in, and I get shit scared (sorry, I couldn’t resist). What if something goes wrong? What if I have chronic diarrhea for days afterwards (FYI this happened to me when I tried some stupid detox last year, ended up on the loo every 30 minutes), what if they perforate my bowel and I DIE? That wouldn’t be very good now, would it? I don’t want to be dead. Then I go off the idea.
Usually, after eating too many carbs, the thought of having colonic irrigation seems appealing again. Logically, this is the answer to all my carb-overloading, right?! Just GET IT ALL FLUSHED OUT OF MY BUM!
Or I could just not eat starchy carbs, I suppose and eat more fibre so I go to the toilet more. Maybe going to the toilet a lot will make me feel ‘cleansed’ and I can save $100 on any potential colonic irrigation treatment!
I think I’ve just got to try it, even just once, to see what happens. I heard once that someone had a guitar pick they accidentally swallowed years ago float out. Bet the hydrotherapist comments straight away I eat too much sugar. For sure.
Would you do it?