This Time Last Year I No Longer Wanted to Live

In the wake of Robin Williams’ death I thought it was finally time to share my story. The most important thing we can do to help those who suffer from mental illness is to lessen the stigma. And it’s time. It’s time to take a deep breath and say this:

This time last year I was suicidal.

That’s hard to admit.

I even considered making this post anonymous, not publishing it, toning it down, but no – it is what it is.

And I wanted to die.

My job was going fine, I had plenty of friends, nothing had gone wrong with my marriage. I had a house, two cats, a wonderful husband, all in all life was pretty grand. I had just decided, for whatever reason, that the world would actually be better off without me and it was time for me to go.

I didn’t say anything, but started putting things in place.

I hadn’t decided how I would do it, I was scared to actually go through with it, but I thought that I might, so I made sure everything was ready.

When driving at night, I would consider crashing the car. I would wonder if slitting my wrists would be too slow, would I have enough courage to pull a trigger. I wondered if there were a way to do this without encountering pain. That wasn’t what it was about, not pain, just not being here.

I didn’t tell anyone. How do you? How do you tell people you love that you just don’t want to be alive anymore? That no, they didn’t do anything, you just no longer want to live.

The thing is, it can happen to anyone. For no reason. And that’s why it’s so scary for people to accept. So often people want to know what happened to cause depression, they want to know why. But there is no why. It’s like there is a switch in your brain that is misfiring, flickering, like a faulty lightbulb, and instead of telling you things are happy and fine, it tells you that you need to not be around anymore.

One morning I woke up and decided I mustn’t be thinking straight, and I went to the doctor. I didn’t tell him I wanted to kill myself, but I told him I was depressed. He put me on medication and now I’m OK. Now I want to live. Now I know it was just a malfunction, and I’m going to be fine.

I am one of the lucky ones. For many there isn’t the chance to get help, for many the switch doesn’t so much flicker as completely turn off, and that’s how you find yourself standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump.

Every day 7 people die by suicide in Australia*. It’s estimated there are 30 attempts every day. But it does get better, and you can get help.

If you have thoughts of suicide, don’t let it continue. For 24 hour crisis support call 13 11 14, or visit www.lifeline.org.au/crisischat (8:00pm-4:00am AEST).

Rest in peace, Robin Williams, and know you made a difference.

 

*Source: Lifeline