“I don’t want to be gay anymore”. This is just one of the thoughts that has gone through my mind lately, not that I have a choice of course. I have been confronted with my sexuality head on. I’m “out” to some and I’m not “out” to others and it’s tiring. It’s tiring living with one foot in the closet and one foot out.
When I came out to my parents, my family and friends over ten years ago I felt a sense of relief. I was being true to myself – I’m bisexual and I don’t care who gives a stuff. But the truth is – I do. I give a stuff. It upsets me that I feel almost paralysed with fear to come out to some of my friends; friends who I think would accept me.
I’m at the stage in my life where I start to think: how hard will it be to have children when I’m in love with a woman? I’ve never been desperate to have kids but I guess I just always thought I would. I thought that it would just, you know, happen for me – eventually. I’m not so sure anymore.
Then I think ridiculous thoughts like, well you’re attracted to men so why not settle? I usually catch myself in this thought, why not settle and I momentarily see myself from a different perspective, giving advice to a friend and telling them just do what makes them happy. Happiness; true love; it’s all fleeting. Some people are lucky to fall in love once in their lifetime and I’m willing to give it up?
How is it that ten years after I proudly came out of the closet I somehow want to disappear back inside it? I’ve always been confident with my sexuality and have known that I have been at 3 on the Kinsey Scale probably since the day I was born. That’s me, so why am I suddenly so scared of myself?
Q&A last Monday night stopped me in my tracks and made me believe that things might be okay if I just stay strong and true to myself. Wallaby captain, David Pocock, put a smile back on my face. I have a new-found respect for this man who is openly supporting marriage equality.
Being raised in a Christian home does not stop Pocock highlighting the hypocrisy of his own religion. And it won’t compel him to legally marry partner Emma Palandri unless their gay friends have the same rights – even if the law has not changed by the time they have children.
Pocock isn’t your traditional sportsman. Supporting gay marriage is certainly not something that many men, especially footy players, openly come out and support. It’s easier just to remain on the sidelines. In the sport I love, Rugby League, I can’t imagine any young male footballer being as brave as David. I hope to be proven wrong as I’m sure there are many gay men in these codes who are too scared to come out.
In an interview with The Daily Telegraph in March Pocock states:
“Witnessing the injustice upon a minority group, and to have the opportunity in some small way to stand in solidarity with them, was really important for us,” Pocock says.
The church released a statement earlier this year urging followers to oppose the idea of same-sex marriage, saying: “There would be no recognition of the complementarity of male and female or that marriage is intended for the procreation and education of children.”
Pocock brushes off the suggestion that legalising same-sex marriage will lead to the destabilisation of family structure.
“I find it such an interesting argument because there are so many problems with the breakdown of family in society already. It seems like a poor argument,” he says.
“To say people with different sexual orientation will be less capable of parenting seems crazy to me.
“The lobbyists who oppose it often try to sensationalise the issue, but we must realise that firstly, we are dealing with people.
“Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but for me looking as a Christian, I just don’t see the Jesus that I follow collaborating with the persecution of an already oppressed minority group.”
We have to move forward on this issue. I worry about young gay Australians who don’t have the maturity or experience that I have and yet still I question myself. Yes, support is increasing for marriage equality but the Government and Julia Gillard are still preaching the same message: that marriage is between a man and a woman.
I’ve never been one to be particularly influenced by outside opinion. I’ve grown up with a lot of angst about my sexuality and a bit of a “f*ck you” attitude if I’m faced with homophobia. Being bullied by older girls at high school made me develop a thick skin but this was before marriage equality was in the headlines and I was the only “out” person in my grade at my Catholic high school.
More than anything, remaining silent on this issue is going to increase the number of youth suicides. I think a lot of young Australians can look up to and admire David Pocock as an athlete in a blokey football code who is making a small difference. And that gives me hope for myself that whether I end up with a man or a woman – it’s okay to be me.
Here is the episode which includes John Alexander and David Pocock if you missed it on Q&A last week
If you are gay did you struggle coming out of the closet? Ever felt the need to go back inside? Where do you believe you are on the Kinsey scale? How does this affect your relationships?
Rose Russo has written 56 posts.
Rose is a freelance writer, blogger and self confessed chocoholic who could quite easily live on a diet of turkish delight and English breakfast tea. She loves the fast paced nature of online media but sometimes feels like she’s the only member of Gen Y who still gets excited to pick up the newspaper on weekend mornings. If anyone has a Sportsgirl addiction cure please let her know [I may be on a first-name basis at my local store] She also writes a weekly column focusing on relationships, friendship and life stuff on her blog at The Budding Rose
Follow on twitter: @thebuddingrose