What Happened to Miss Independent?

June 18, 2012 in Celebrity, Dating, Friendship, Marriage, Mental Health, Relationships, Self, Work

“Miss Independent…..oooo she fell in love” so the song goes. Yes yes, the song is all about a girl who is surprised by “this feeling taking over” not suggesting she became less independent when she fell in love. While a very catchy tune (and a GREAT one to sing and dance to when inebriated, trust me!), I take issue with any suggestion that women (or men) should suddenly lose their independence when “falling in love” or “entering a Very Serious relationship” or “obtaining a pet and then becoming co-dependent with your cat”.

I have always been a very independent woman. I was taught (indoctrinated, thanks Mum) that I should never have to rely on a man for anything, that I was capable of doing it all myself. As a teenager, I had law in my sights, and babies and marriage were something that “might come along and might not” but my focus was to become a taller (fatter) and better shod Australian version of Ally McBeal.

Kelly Clarkson. I used to screech this song at the top of my lungs. Oh yeah.

High school boyfriend didn’t impact said goals. He was my first love, and I did love him very much. I do recall, in a fit of teenage fury at my mother, telling her that I was going to marry him, even though he was probably going to stay in my home town and work picking bananas for a living and I was moving to Brisbane for uni. I laugh as I write this. Teenage hormones and all of that. Yes, Mum, if you’re reading, bet you’re giggling too.

I also can’t recall EVER as a child or teenager, dreaming of a big, white wedding with Prince Charming. When I hear women say “Oh I always wanted this at my wedding when I dreamed of it as a little girl“, or “Oh I want to have 4 children, I’ve always dreamed about having 4“, I think “shit, is there something wrong with me that I’ve never thought about any of that stuff?” Wedding dress? Nope. How many children? Pfft. Type of engagement ring? Yeah, I don’t even know the difference between a carat and carrot!

I distinctly recall when I was a child (tween they are called these days) thinking about things like “University libraries“, “Wearing excellent suits” or “Convicting lots of criminals“. No “Prince Charming on a white horse” thoughts around here – this girl doesn’t NEED RESCUING. I CLIMB DOWN THE FUCKING TOWER MYSELF, THANKS.

During my last 6 months of uni, I met Mr W. It was an exciting time. This new relationship, venturing forth into the world of full time work after graduation, wearing those really impressive suits I was dreaming about and convicting lots of criminals. Except that last part didn’t happen. I thought I would be a criminal lawyer. I made it to one child abuse trial and that was it for me. So a lot happened during the early stages of our relationship for us individually.

About 18 months after I finished uni (about 6 months after I got admitted as a solicitor), I was miserable. I hated my work. I was under pressure. The people I worked with were not very nice. I wasn’t getting paid what I thought was fair. Friends from uni were dropping like flies from the profession. Heck, friends from uni were dropping like flies from our friendship groups with the passage of time and the less and less effort we were all putting in. I had a falling out with a good friend.

As the friendship group narrowed, Mr W and I moved in together. I was close to being depressed over my job. It was hard, living with another lawyer who was flourishing and loving every minute of it, and I hated it.

I questioned for a LONG TIME how the hell I ended up a lawyer and what was I even doing here? I researched alternative professions, and I felt completely lost. This GOAL I had worked towards for my ENTIRE teenager and early adult years was NOT RIGHT FOR ME. Oh my god! All I wanted to do now was get married to Mr W and have children, and stop working to raise the children. Who WAS this person? Where did Miss Independent go?

Unlike Kim, as a child I did not dream of this big day. Probably, I dreamed about making lots of cashola acting for her in the imminent divorce.

I looked left and right for friends and was coming up with my best friend, R, and that was about it. But that was ok, I reasoned, because all I needed was her and Mr W! Following this, my work got even worse and then soon after, R announced she was moving to England for two years. Without even realising it, I began to lose myself. I picked myself up and changed jobs around the same time she left for England. It was a great relief, career wise and the right move. But the huge spot I expected R to fill, was empty.

So the story goes, without realising it, I hardly saw friends. I didn’t have that many left. I became (unknowingly) reliant on Mr W. I wanted to just get married already because I was so focused on our relationship without other things to focus on.

Then, it all came to a head. The epic almost-break-up moment with Mr W, when I realised how much of myself I had truly lost. Not because of him, but because of a combination of factors that led to my over-reliance on him. My teenager self would have looked at me in disgust for losing my independence.

Things started to happen for me. I got a great opportunity at work. The friend I had fallen out with, stumbled back into my life, wine glass (ok, bottle) and hilarious gossip alongside. I joined a book club. Made new friends (on the internet, they are still real friends, you know. Tamsin & I even talk on the phone, so I know she exists!). Started paying a lot of attention to my new hobby – writing.

Miss Independent is back. Phew. She even reared her confrontational head the other night when discussing with Mr W the topic of “changing surnames” when getting married. Mr W: “I want to have the same name as my wife, I like my surname“, me: “Well, I like my surname too, so why is the presumption that *I* change my surname, why don’t you change yours“. What happened next? Well, that’s another post! Miss Independent, yes indeed.

Have you ever lost your way? Felt a need to re-adjust your goals? Lost your independence? Gained independence?

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Whippersnapper has written 37 posts.

11 Comments »

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Monique Fischle

I frequently feel like I’ve lost my way. I second guess my goals and ambitions. And currently, in light for the gazillion jobs that Fairfax has cut, I’m starting to second guess my choice of career path. I gained quite a lot of independence by living away from home while studying. But I definitely can and have become quite co-dependent, which has shocked me. I’ll find my way again soon.
Mandi Aylmore

I never really thought about my independence until I found it after the husband died. Three years later and I FINALLY know (I’m 35) what it’s like to be free and independent. I know who I am now, I know what I like and dislike and I’m not afraid to stand up for myself. My life, is about ME. I know who my friends are, I know I can count on them for anything, and they know that they can count on ME for anything.

It’s a great position to be in. I wouldn’t change it for anything. And I know that my next relationship I won’t get so lost in it, that it’s not about making HIM happy, that it’s about US, and I deserve to be happy too.
http://tamsinhowse.com/blog Tamsin Howse

I grew up with a feminist mother and fairytales like “The Tough Princess” so I never thought that falling in love meant losing who you are. Nor that you needed to be rescued. But I did always dream of a wedding.

I do believe in me, and I think I had to go through the things I went through to get there.
Bek M

I totally lost my independence when I married. It got so I couldn’t do anything on my own (or course my ex encouraged that). When he left I didn’t know who I was anymore. I could’t even figure out how I felt about anything ‘cos I’d spent so long focused on his needs and moods and ignoring my own.

I’ve come a fair way since then, but I still hate having to do everything myself, especially car stuff. Next year I need to think about entering the workforce and I’m petrified about it, I’ve got no confidence. I’m not sure I can handle teaching anymore, but I don’t know what else to do, that’s my skill set and what I have my degree in. I decided I wanted to be a teacher when I was 10.

I grew in a traditional family, Dad worked and Mum stayed home. She’s pretty dependent on Dad, but luckily he’s a great guy, and treats her very well.

I’m not sure I wouldn’t lose myself again if I got into another relationship. I have a strong need to avoid conflict, and to please the other person. Not a good combo.
- Whippersnapper
  
  I imagine you would be a stellar teacher!
- Melissa Savage
  
  You’ll do fine Bek. And teacher skills are transferable to other areas: I’ve worked with ex-teachers in the public service and retail and I’ve no doubt you could use them in other industries if you want to. Some teacher skills include: crowd control, people management, teamwork, negotiation and influencing, communication, public speaking, writing, public relations, ability to learn new things quickly. Of course the good thing about teaching is the hours are friendly when you are the sole parent of school aged kiddos yourself.
Trina Hibberd

Phewwww. Thank God you’re back
Rose Russo

I hear what you’re saying.. I have often felt lost and like “what the hell happened to my independence? did it just fall down a hole or something??”

When I was in my last relationship, which was for 6 years, I felt that I lost my identity and we sabotaged our relationship to an extent. It’s easy to fall into the habit of just relying on each other for everything and seeing your friends less – *BUT* it’s a slippery slope to unhappiness.

You need your friends, your independence and your own life to be part of a healthy relationship. I’ve learnt that a lot since we broke up. And now, a year later, we are in each other’s lives again as friends – and who knows maybe we might end up together but at least we’ve learnt that important lesson

Some people never learn it hun.. count yourself lucky that you and Mr W have learnt it early to avoid falling into the trap should you get married or have children in the future
- Whippersnapper
  
  You are so right – I feel like for myself, I need a fulfilling career, hobbies and my own friends to be whole and to be a good partner. I personally know that I become extremely bored and frustrated when I just rely on Mr W for everything.
  
  I’m the WORST kind of person when I’m bored – boredom for me is the death knell – worse than stress. So if I’m bored in my career that I spent so long working towards I’m this frustrated, complaining, whingy, lazy person.
http://tinytrifles.blogspot.com.au Karen

Well this is MY opinion…

I believe independence is merely a stepping stone to the higher state of interdependence. Yes, it’s great to feel like you’re self-sufficient and self-actualised. But as I’ve got older, married, had children (matured?) I love seeing how my intimate relationships are a complex interaction of vulnerability and strength, dependency and independency.

I love needing my husband. I love not knowing where my children end and I begin. And I don’t feel like those blurred lines compromise who I am at all. I chose these people. I can deny neither their profound influence on me nor my profound reliance on them. “Who I am” has grown to embrace who they are, including their needs, failures and desires. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Melissa Savage

I have always been supremely independent, and the process of building a relationship into a marriage has meant that I’ve had to learn how to cooperate better and to better operate as part of a team. It’s kind of cool actually and I don’t feel like I’ve lost anything. I love the feeling when we are working together on something and each playing our part and it’s coming together beautifully.

KiKi & Tea