Why the nest is no good for you

May 14, 2012 in Children, Current Affairs, Family, Fathers, Film & TV, Lifestyle, Mothers, News, Parenting, Relationships

Daniel Clowes "Boomerang Generation" cover illustration for The New Yorker

It’s called the “boomerang generation” and it’s one of several terms applied to kids who move out of home only to return after, well, it doesn’t work out for them. Hollywood made a whole movie out of it – 2006′s Failure to Launch, where Tripp, 35, played by Matthew McConaughey needs an “interventionist” to get him to move out of the family home. Whatever happened to just moving out because it’s the right thing to do? Or to gain some independence? I really don’t understand why you would want to live at home past the age of 25. Is that weird?

Living with your parents can be challenging. Hell, living with anyone can be challenging. When I left “the nest” just after my 22nd birthday it was the best step I have ever taken. It wasn’t without drama and it happened fairly quickly (I made the decision and moved out within two weeks) but it’s what I needed to grow up. Was I scared? Sure. But I needed to learn how to stand on my own two feet; pay the bills; cook for myself and all the other adult stuff that comes with it. Probably the biggest dilemma I had was my first shopping trip. You seriously underestimate just how much stuff you need when you’re settling into your first home. Do you know how expensive vegemite is? Let’s not even get started on cooking oil.

Last year a Venetian couple hired a lawyer after several failed attempts to convince their 41-year-old son to leave the nest. The son “has a good job but still lives at home. He demands that his clothes be washed and ironed and his meals be prepared.” Whatever happened to “Pack up your stuff, move out and don’t come back. Period.”? Written in Italian it would probably sound a little more elegant.

Of course this is an extreme case but it shows just how much some “children” expect from their parents. Don’t these parents deserve to live quietly and comfortably into retirement age? Why should they be expected to keep providing for their children who have stable jobs, a healthy social life, their own car and in some cases their own investment property.

After I left school and got myself a part-time job in my working-out-what-the-hell-I-wanted-to-do-year I started paying board. $70 a week if I remember correctly. Did I want to do this? Not really. Did I think it was unfair? Probably. I do remember kicking up a stink quite a few times. Sorry mum. But it taught me to appreciate money and that I had responsibilities now that I wasn’t in school anymore. It taught me how to be more frugal with my money so when I moved out it wouldn’t come as such a shock and I wouldn’t become yet another “boomerang kid”.

I have found since I moved out of home I’ve developed a much healthier and happier relationship with my mother. She is one of my very best friends. While I was living at home, at times we wanted to kill each other. It has strengthened us and I thank her for making me learn how to be self-sufficient. Of course there’s nothing better than a home-cooked meal from time to time, but now I love cooking my parents my own home-cooked meals.

This isn’t a post to say that I’m any better than kids who still live at home – I do realise there are some exceptional circumstances and some parents actually like their children living at home well into their 20s or even 30s. Gulp. I’m just not one of them. I guess because I’ve seen first-hand what effect a “child” living at home till nearly 40 can have on a relationship. It does no one any favours. We all need to learn how to live independently. Sure we can turn to our parents for emotional and sometimes financial support if they can afford it but I’d rather stand on my own two feet.

I often wonder how young adults navigate relationships while living at home. I would be mortified to bring someone home to my parents house only for an awkward conversation around the dinner table with murmurs of “whatever happened to Sam? He was such a nice fella” How do you maintain a sex life without necessarily being in a relationship? That gear stick in the car must be getting awfully uncomfortable well into your late 20s. No?

I live on my own so these uncomfortable situations just don’t happen. If I stop seeing someone I usually move every few years so they no longer know my address. Neat.

Do you have grown up kids living at home? Or are you a boomerang kid? What do you think about the “Boomerang Generation”?

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Author Info

Rose Russo has written 56 posts.
Rose is a freelance writer, blogger and self confessed chocoholic who could quite easily live on a diet of turkish delight and English breakfast tea. She loves the fast paced nature of online media but sometimes feels like she’s the only member of Gen Y who still gets excited to pick up the newspaper on weekend mornings. If anyone has a Sportsgirl addiction cure please let her know [I may be on a first-name basis at my local store] She also writes a weekly column focusing on relationships, friendship and life stuff on her blog at The Budding Rose
Follow on twitter: @thebuddingrose

20 Comments »

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Ash

I’m definitely a boomerang kid. Have moved out twice and moved home twice.

Our family works this way. My relationship with my mother is at its best right now. Sure, I’ll move out when I have kids, most likely, but in our family, being at home works. I went through a massive emotional unheaval in my late teens and I feel that being away from home at that time is what caused most of the damage.

I expect nothing of my parents. I pay board, all that. My own brother will probably be here for life due to some of his developmental delays.

My mother has said she doesn’t mind us all being home as long as we want- but to move out if we get partners or have kids (to avoid multi-generational parenting. We’re big on the independant parenting styles thing)

It works for us, and it works in cultures with big families. I think the nest is perfect for us ^_^
- Rose Russo
  
  I agree – when the children start relationships I think it’s time to move out. If it works for you hey who am I to judge? I just know it wouldn’t work for me and there are “kids” out there who take their parents generosity for granted.
http://tamsinhowse.com/blog Tamsin Howse

Technically I suppose I’m a boomerang kid, but it wasn’t by choice. I moved out of home at 22, when I moved in with Husband. We tried to buy a house, submitted our notice to the rental as everything was moving ahead. Settlement was Friday, on Wednesday we got a call that the seller couldn’t discharge his mortgage.

So we were jerked around for a few months, during which time we ended up homeless and, therefore, back at home with my parents. Who were kind enough to rearrange my old bedroom to fit the two of us and took us in. During this time we got married, and it was only after the wedding, when the seller finally pulled out of the sale, and our money was released, that we were able to buy a new home.

Personally I think it was really good for us to spend that time at home. It changed my relationship with my parents, and it meant that we had their support during a really stressful time (both with the house buying and the wedding). By the time we left, we were ready to go (and they were ready for us to be gone) though.
Whippersnapper

I left home at 17! I had to because I was going to uni in Brisbane and the family lives in North Queensland. I think it made me very independent very quickly, though not as much as my friends who went into share housing straight away – I went to college for 2 years first!
- Rose Russo
  
  Wow… that’s early to leave home! I definitely wouldn’t have been ready at 17
  - Whippersnapper
    
    Well, I was turning 18 a month after I arrived in Brisbane! I had to move for uni too, I didn’t have an choice, living rurally. Plus, college was a good easement into living out of home, as opposed to some of my friends who had to move straight into share housing when they relocated!
- Detachable Princess
  
  I left at 17 too, but by that time I’d been working for a year and got a place by myself. Best thing ever!
http://music.johnanthonyjames.com/ John James

I only boomeranged once when I was unemployed during the recession we had to have in 1990/91…

I’m probably a bit too old (and my parents a bit too dead) to be able to boomerang anymore
Monique Fischle

I’m technically a boomerang kid. I “moved” out of home for three years while I was studying. I’m from Newcastle and I went to uni in Bathurst so during the university semesters, I lived in Bathurst, in the holidays I lived at home. Now I’m back home in Newcastle because I’m still looking for a job. I pay board, I cook, I clean (mostly), I wash my own clothes and help out around the house. The reason I’m still at home is because at the moment, I don’t have the means to move out. Once I do find a job, things will change, especially if I have to move to work, but for now, being only 21, I don’t feel bad about still being at home.
Michelle

I didn’t boomerang, really. I moved out of home at 18, the January after sitting my HSC exams. I came back only for 2 weeks, in between living in Sydney and moving to the UK, and then again for about 3 weeks, after being in the UK and before starting university (where I lived in share-housing). So I don’t really count those times.

But, I moved in with my in-laws for 1.5 years. And my husband went straight from living at home to living with his wife. Both of which are things I NEVER saw happening. But if I hadn’t moved in, we would have been renting and have not been able to save up a deposit as quickly as we did. And once upon a time I swore never to marry someone who didn’t live independantly from his parents……..oh well!
Jessica Chapman

I suppose I could be classed as a boomerang kid except that I only really left for college (returning on some weekends). And spent a year living with my sister attempting to live out my dream of finishing a novel (at the suggestion of my father). I did learn to cook and clean while I lived with her.

I came back to do a Masters and worked full time for a year, I didn’t move out then because the job was temporary and I just did not have time to work, study and keep a house clean and myself fed.

Actually we’re a three generational house at the moment because my parents moved into Grandma’s house after she had a stroke so she could have 24 hour care and not be in a nursing home.

For me it’s because I’m a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to deciding on a realistic career. I never expected to be 24 and live with my parents, but that’s how it happened. I actually get on really well with my parents and a always have so it’s not too much of a surprise.

My Mum says she likes me being at home (I can only believe her) and I do help with washing, cooking and cleaning and now that I’m unemployed she has the extra bonus of someone at home who can sit with Grandma if she’s running late from work and Grandma’s carer needs to go.

I do hope to have my life together and move out by 30 but I don’t know how it will pan out as the job search has been a bit difficult. Would I like to be more independent? Yes. Do I feel incredibly ashamed that I still live at home at 24? Yes. But on the whole living with my parents is working really well for all of us (I hope).

I do agree about the relationship thing being weird though. I get around it by not having one, I probably wouldn’t even have one if I did live on my own. It’s just another way in which I’m a late bloomer.
- Valentina B
  
  Oh i’m the same with the 3 generational thing. My grandma just came from overseas to live with us!
- Whippersnapper
  
  Don’t feel incredibly ashamed, you shouldn’t! You obviously are doing what is right for your circumstances. It has always been something in the back of my mind that bothers me, living so far away from home – if I ran out of money, lost my job, etc and couldn’t pay rent, where the fuck would I go? Mum is 2000km away!
- Rose Russo
  
  I definitely don’t think you should feel ashamed. By the sounds of it, your mum and your grandma need you to be there – they rely on you! You are not sitting on your bum just using your parents!
  
  I found it difficult having relationships before I left home at 22. It was so much better once I had my own apartment (no more hotel rooms! they are very expensive you know!)
  
  Different strokes for different folks. I was probably ready to leave home around 20 but it seems a lot of kids these days aren’t ready until their late 20s and it just makes me wonder why?
Valentina B

I’m 25 and personally have loved and still love being at home. I don’t pay board but I do all the washing and dishes, most of the vacuuming, clean the spare bathroom and room and contribute in other ways as well.

I have the upmost respect for my parents, and don’t actually expect anything unreasonable from them.

I generally have a great relationship with my parents, the freedom to come and go as I please and this works for us. I’ve never once felt ashamed or embarrassed for still living at home and honestly can’t imagine why I would. I see nothing embarrassing about being able to live with the people who raised me.

Yes I do sometimes wish I had my own space (well more space) but right now, I’m happy being at home, rent free, whilst I save for a deposit so my partner and I can buy a house.
- Valentina B
  
  Oh i just re-read this and it sounds sooo defensive… wasn’t meant to!!
  - Rose Russo
    
    Not defensive at all! I’m enjoying reading all your opinions… hey if it works for you and your parents who am I to judge? I just know it wouldn’t work for me.
carohutchison

I moved out when I was 19. Didn’t need to really as I studied in the town I grew up in and I don’t think my parents minded either way. The thing that concerns me is the ongoing costs to parents. We’ve budgeted to get the kids through school, then maybe through their first degree, after that we plan for them to be on their own. An extra 7 or so years after you’ve left school to be living with your parents does have a financial impact on them.

Who knows maybe I’ll change my mind when the kids are grown, but husband and I plan on doing things for us when we’ve finished raising them, and that may not include providing the family home for them to stay in.
Kate

Hi Rose,

I understand the questions you have raised and they can be very valid, depending on each individual’s personal circumstances. These questions can also have negative stigmas associated with them and are a tricky subject to breach; similar to the dole bludger stereotype. What ends up being overlooked when finite statements are made on these subjects is the complex array of social and cultural circumstances that come into play; like for when a child is found living at home over the age of 25.

Cultural, financial, social and environmental structures, along with emotional experiences, all affect the reasoning behind an individual’s circumstance. For example you might not think that Australians are affected with poverty, but hundreds of thousands of Australians live in relative poverty and this is a common reason for familles staying together into adulthood. If it wasn’t for us living in a welfare state and also the fact that the baby boomers were the luckiest generation in terms of securing a long term career and a house; we would be living in a similar situation to the Americans right now, and that would mean that becoming financially independent as an adult would not be a given.

If those baby boomers who have either no mortgage or a very small mortgage can help their children by offering a place to live for whatever reason, then there should not be any negative connotations associated with that. Of course it can be negative in some situations; those where the child takes full advantage and dose not contribute in any way to the household either through board or housework etc. It is negative if a child places a household under financial stress due to pure indulgence and ignorance. But just looking at the general attitude held by Australian culture, it would not be a large percentage of the population that falls into this category (this statement is debatable, I know).

I agree with you wholeheartedly that leaving the nest and finding your own financial independence is extremely valuable to any individual in terms of coming into their own and having a stronger sense of how the world works and how to make it work for themselves; but its not a good thing to do to place everyone living at home over the age of 25 into the same category. Life doesn’t provide that sort of stability for everyone.
Detachable Princess

BIL lives at home – this year he turned 43. *mumblegrumble*

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