I’ve always been conflicted about rape culture. Not just the phrase but the whole concept. Is there some validity in saying women should take measures to protect themselves in dangerous situations? Of course. Does doing so imply that when a woman is attacked there is something she could have done to prevent it? Probably not, although in some cases, a little bit yes. And if there is something she could have done to prevent it, at least in our opinion, does that mean the responsibility of what happens sits, at least in part, with her? Of course not.
These are questions I have pondered over the years and, unfortunately, have never quite been able to come to my own conclusion in the middle there. It makes me uncomfortable to say there is something a woman could have done to protect herself better, but it makes me equally uncomfortable to say we should be able to put ourselves in risky situations without consequences.
Some aspects of this conversation seem clear cut to me – for example I believe it is completely unreasonable to wear a low cut top with a lot of boob on display, then get angry at anyone for looking at it. If you don’t want your boobs looked at, don’t put them on display. However the link between that line of thinking and the assumption that a woman therefore deserves it if she is subsequently harassed or assaulted is tenuous at best.
There is a great big line between looking and touching. Or looking and slobbering over. Or a quick look and a bit of a creepy stare.
The first article I read that really explained the problem with rape culture to me was one we published here which said:
“When you tell me not to drink too much, not to walk alone, not to walk in dimly lit areas, what you are really telling me is to make sure he rapes some other girl.”
That statement was the first statement against rape culture that resonated with me. That hit me and made it clear to me what people were really saying. And it is hard for me to admit that, being a feminist woman who was raised by a strong feminist mother. A woman who knows victim blaming is never ever the answer. A woman who knows, first hand, what it’s like to be abused.
But so often I’ve felt the line between common sense and victim blaming is blurred, with people from both sides of the argument jumping from one to the other as if they are innately interchangeable.
It is foolish to say I wouldn’t tell my daughters to be careful. It is foolish to say I wouldn’t tell my sons the same thing. To ensure they are not attracting unwanted attention by putting on display parts of themselves they don’t want others to see. To ensure they are not putting themselves in situations where they are more likely to be attacked or hurt.
But it would be equally foolish for me to believe that would keep them safe.
We live in a world where, sadly, people do harm others. Where we need to protect ourselves, and our loved ones, and do our best to keep them safe. We may not always be able to but the question is – if there were something we could do to ensure he raped some other girl, not ourselves, our wives, daughters, mothers or friends… Would we?
And, in advocating for a common sense approach instead of a higher conviction rate, instead of harsher punishments, instead of encouraging people to come forward when they feel they have been abused, no matter who by or no matter the circumstances, are we?
What do you think? Is “rape culture” ever OK? Is it ever just common sense?
