Made to Feel Like a Burden

As I write this (shakily type this), I am at home, high on ventolin and steriods, nursing my asthmatic lungs.

I pushed myself more than I should have and I am suffering, but that is not what I’m writing about. My article today is about how the way my husband treated me when we were married now affects my personal relationships.

You see, I don’t have a working car. I walk everywhere. I live alone. So when I’m ill, I’m highly reliant on others.

Today, two of my work friends went over and above for me, and I am so unbelievable grateful.

But I had spent my marriage feeling like a burden. For months, my husband refused to get my medication until I landed in hospital. He felt his blood pressure medication was more important than my asthma medication. That was until a doctor at the hospital told him that my medication was not to be missed under any circumstances.

The morning I had my very first migraine, I spent throwing up in the bathroom. His response was to tell everyone how difficult it was to wake up to the sound of vomiting. He also made a big deal when the doctor insist I go to the Eye Hospital in the city as the blood vessels in both my eyes burst. Again, I was made to feel like I was a burden, my husband having to leave work early to take me there.

Although he is no longer here, his ability to make me feel worthless with just a sigh, a snarl, or a look still lives with me. The fact that I still feel like my health isn’t important. That I felt I needed to go to work today instead of staying home like I should have, or going to the hospital like I should have.

I don’t want to be a burden for people. I don’t want to elicit the same response from my friends that I received from my husband. I would hate to think that I was putting people out, that their lives became harder because of me.

I have spent most of the day apologizing and thanking my two friends. I don’t know what else I can do to show just how grateful I am, that not only did one of them call the doctors for me, but my other friend dropped what she was doing, came to the doctor with me, and then went and picked up my medication (which I couldn’t afford so my other friend paid for). This second friend then drove me home… I live an hour and fifteen minutes away.

I am so unbelievably humbled, and these two women brush it off like it’s nothing. It’s NOT nothing. To me, this type of kindness is a gift to be adored. To have two people think that I’m worth their time is better than a whole Tumblr feed full of Benedict Cumberbatch pictures (and if you know me, you know how much of a big deal that is).

I hope that in the future I can repay their kindness.

I also hope that in the future, I can finally understand and accept that I’m not the burden that my husband made me feel.

Have you ever felt like a burden? Has anyone ever displayed epic kindness to you?