Children, Family, Parenting, People, Relationships, Self, Society, Uncategorized

No Kids, No Comment

I don't have kids, but I do have an idea about how to deal with this.
I don't have kids, but I do have an idea about how to deal with this.
no kids can't give advice on parenting

I don’t have kids, but I do have an idea how to deal with this.

I am not a mother. I am 33 and will not be having biological children. Most of my friends have at least two kids now; some are working on their third.

I am deeply maternal, I love babies and kids, and they love me. I am good with them. It’s instinctual. But because I’m not a mother, I find myself refraining from commenting when friends are discussing issues to do with children when in realty, I think some of the advice I have to share would be helpful. But the fear of being dismissed because “she’s not a mum. She doesn’t know what it’s really like” keeps me from saying anything.

When it comes to parents asking for advice on older children, I’m less hesitant in commenting. I feel like my thoughts might be taken more seriously as I have experience with that age group due to my vocation. But at the end of the day, I do have opinions on cloth vs. disposable, breast vs. bottle, whether to vaccinate or not, when to introduce solids, ideas as to why your baby is screaming all night long, how to move a toddler into their own bed after co-sleeping, how to hide veggies in their food, what that rash you’re asking about could be and what might be causing it etc… But I often take a step back and say nothing.

I have found in the past there have been times when I have given input where my suggestions were definitely overlooked because I’m not a mother – so what would I know?

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way bitter about my circumstances and am grateful that so many friends have given me the role of ‘Aunty Maree’ in their kids lives. There are just times where I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with certain parents for fear of offending them. Even when they’ve asked for help.

The thing is – I don’t think you have to be a parent to know how to handle certain issues or situations with children. Some of it is straight up common sense, and some of it comes from having experience with kids, whether they came forth from my loins or not. And to be completely fair, I absolutely do have ‘mum’ friends who are inclusive of me and are not dismissive of my responses. They allow me to respond to their questions or dilemmas without making me feel like I’m overstepping my bounds.

I’m not childless by choice. All I ever wanted to do was be a mum. I remember holding my first newborn at the age of four and thinking “Yes! One day I’ll have my own babies!” but it wasn’t to be. But that doesn’t mean I know nothing about babies, toddlers, children.

So why do I feel so apprehensive about answering SOS calls put out on FB by my friends who are parents? I know that I have other friends without kids who feel exactly the same. They have nieces, nephews, and experience with kids, but still don’t feel comfortable offering advice due to being childless themselves.

Have you ever wanted to comment or give advice to a parent’s post on social media but withheld your comments due to not having kids? If you’re a parent, would you take the advice of someone who wasn’t? 

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    • Kris

      Doesn’t faze me at all. People who aren’t in the situation often see things differently and see stuff that those in it might not. I think it applies to lots of situations, not just kids. If they don’t want to know they shouldn’t ask in the first place.
      Stuff like behaviour eg blind freddy can see the kids are playing up cos they’re bored, or thinking vaccination is vital aren’t sanctimonious opinions coming from nowhere. They’re common sense. Sadly we have a culture of women second guessing everything and feeling compelled to be seen as following a particular philosophy rather than trusting themselves and the people around them.
      I find this especially online, as you mention in social media. People get so tied up in being an attachment, extended breastfeeding cosleeping hippy or whatever and just ask all these inane questions about everything. Our parents were just mums and dads who just did what worked, it’s what I do. A lot of people these days though that isn’t enough for, and credentials are required, however questionable they might be.
      Before igot pregnant by surprise, I wasn’t planning on kids, but that wouldn’t stop me from venturing an opinion. I used to often get told that the way I explained something to a kid was groundbreaking, when it made perfect sense to me. Just that remove from the situation I think.

      • Maree Talidu

        Couldn’t agree more about the culture of mothering styles being lead by social media, and women seem so scared to make a step in the ‘wrong’ direction, lest they and their bub become social pariahs for being bottle feeders etc. So much finger pointing goes on, I’d be quite annoyed about social media and certain mummy bloggers trying to dictate how I should raise my child. I think it IS about trusting your instincts.

    • Melissa Savage

      I think it’s okay if it’s not about a specific situation. So as a non-parent I feel okay talking about things like vaccination or the school system or how to first fund child care and universities etc, but I would never presume to tell anyone what they should do with their specific kid in their specific situation. And of course people with professional expertise in kids and young people’s issues, like teachers, childcare workers, medical professionals and child protection workers, might be able to offer insights about kids in general terms which might be of value to a specific parent dealing with a specific situation.

      I’m 31, so most of my friends are just starting on the babies journey. We’ll see how it goes.

    • TeganMC

      It depends on the person and the way they talk about it. If it’s said in a way that is offering advice, like ‘have you tried x, a friend had a similar issue and that worked would most likely be taken on board. However I know one childless person (who I was friends with but her opinions got too much) who quite often would ‘when I have a child I will be doing x’ which is usually not what I am doing. With people like that I just laugh in their face. The hardest part about parenting is that most of the time everything you thought you knew about children before you had them goes out the window. So while you may say to yourself that you will breast feed, not co sleep and never put them in child care…by the time they are four you realise that you bottle fed, you can’t remember the last time you didn’t have a child in your bed and child care is the only thing keeping you sane.

    • PerthWife

      I am also childless and have a lot of experience with kids but I don’t say a word of advice around people with kids when they ask for help. I’ve been dismissed and shot down so many times that I’ve lost count. I’ve even been told I’m not allowed to organize a family-friendly get-together by a member of a local bloggers group because I “don’t understand kids needs” – so much for trying to make new friends!

      • Maree Talidu

        Yep, I hear you! Very frustrating.

    • http://www.jfgibson.com.au/ Jodi Gibson

      I think that you would possibly have something to add, a point of view from a different perspective. Although sometimes things look so much more black and white on the outside than they really are, especially with parenting.

    • T

      I think parents can be very blind and it’s not their fault. I don’t have a child and I think it’s hard to get advice even when asked because as the parent your supposed to be the one with answers. I think that’s what it comes down to most times. I’ve been around children my whole life and i’ve been told more than i can count that “your going to be a perfect mom someday” but i’m not and I think its easier to say I can’t understand because i’m not a parent. I also don’t say a word on FB pages even when i could help. I choose not to be a parent at this time and because it’s something I’ve always wanted it’s hard to be reminded when you’re just trying to help.