Sometimes I feel the hairs on my arms stand up for no reason, or a breath of wind on my face in a still room. Sometimes my skin tingles. Other times I feel an unexplained warmth in my chest and I know you’re here.
You’re not around all the time and that’s okay. I know you have other loved ones to visit and watch over. But I want you to know that when you’re here with me, I know. I can feel it.
Every now and then I catch the smell of your soap and it reminds me of your wonderful hugs. Occasionally I think I see you in a crowded shopping centre and I want to chase after you to say hi, but I know it’s not you.
When you first went away, I was so focused on the pain and the emptiness that I forgot to focus on the good times. It took some time to realize that losing someone doesn’t mean only thinking about how they aren’t here – it’s about remembering them and their stories and their love.
These days, I think about you in the physical sense. I imagine you standing over my baby cousin as he opens his presents on Christmas morning. I imagine walking into your house and seeing you come towards me, ready to greet me with a gentle kiss on the cheek. I imagine us sitting down to drink tea at the kitchen table and talk as though it’s been months, not days, since we last had a discussion which lasted hours. I wear the necklace you gave me often and I always think about the day you gave it to me – I felt so grown up now that I had a chain like yours to put around my neck.
Thoughts of you keep me sane when I feel like I’m going crazy. They comfort me when I’m sad and keep me company when I’m lonely. When things are frightening, I feel stronger knowing that you lived through worse but survived.
I miss your friendship and your love and your companionship. There was so much I wanted to tell you and so much I wanted to hear you talk about but we ran out of time. Your body gave up. It needed to rest.
I know you’re here. The fact that I can’t see you or talk to you hurts like a knife wound to the chest. But I’ll be okay. Just don’t go anywhere, okay? I still need you. I need to feel you here.
Love, PW
{This post was originally published on the now out-of-action PerthWife blog}
