Friendship, Health, Mental Health, People, Relationships, Self, Society, Technology & Internet

The Innovation of Loneliness

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golden gate park san franciscoI saw an interesting video the other day called The Innovation of Loneliness. It talks about how, through social media, we are maxing out our social connections to a point where we cannot truly connect with the people we call our friends. On top of this we’re attempting to connect with them all the time, which means we lose the ability to be by ourselves. And if you can’t be by yourself, then you’re never anything but lonely.

I’m not sure I’m 100% on board with the video’s assertions, but it did say something to me. In the last few years I have, inadvertently, cut down the number of people I spend time with. It hasn’t really been a conscious thing, apart from the obvious life changers of leaving school, changing work places, etc, it’s just kind of happened. And I’m not sure I’m sad about it.

Thinking back on my 21st, when I had the largest party I ever had (including my wedding reception). Where I had more friends attend than you could poke a stick at and I felt so much love in that room. Looking back on that time in my life, I was lonely.

It wasn’t just because I was dating a douchebag, although I’m sure that helped, it was also because I spent so much time trying to keep up with having all these friends in my life, I didn’t have enough time to just be on my own. And I couldn’t be. I hated being by myself.

I still consider almost everyone who attended my 21st as my friend, don’t get me wrong, but these days I’m more concerned about quality catch ups than quantity. I’d rather have 2-3 people I speak to every day, a group I see every week, than the hundreds of friends I had before.

Being away from social media while I was overseas was a bit of a relief. In Canada I actually couldn’t be online as we had no SIM and no reception. And I have to say I enjoyed it. I really enjoyed spending time away from the pressures of keeping up with the conversation. And I came back to social media with the knowledge I probably couldn’t keep up the conversation. All I could do was jump in every now and then. And that’s OK too.

I still feel lonely sometimes. Even while sitting in the same room as The Viking. Even while chatting online to friends. Even when there are friends in my home. I still feel lonely sometimes. And I think that’s because, really, I’m still not 100% comfortable being alone.

It’s time for that to change.

Do you ever feel lonely? Do you use social media to make you feel less lonely? Does it work?

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  • http://johnanthonyjames.com/ John James

    Actually, I think social media was a loneliness trigger for me… which is strange, because I’m not someone who generally feels lonely…

    Social Media is great for connecting with people, but it can also feel isolating as well. I know it can make me feel isolated sometimes. I think that’s because sometimes you can feel lost amongst all the noise. Social media is a fun and engaging experience when people interact with you and pay attention to you, but sometimes it can feel like you’re broadcasting to an empty room and no one is listening. That’s when SM becomes dangerous and isolating.

    I definitely think the isolating nature of social media led to the disconnect within our friendship earlier this year. I realised that in the aftermath of our friendship breaking down. I wish I had realised that sooner before I let things go too far. :(

    Oh well…

    The good thing is that I know this now, and I’ve learnt from it. I use social media differently now. I think being aware of the loneliness trigger points that exist in social media has allowed me to safely engage with social media again. Self-awareness is really important when using SM. You need to pay attention. To how you’re feeling, and how other people are feeling. Engage with people when it feels right. Back off and take a break when you feel like the room is empty. It’s OK… the room doesn’t always have to be full. People don’t always need to be looking your way. :)

  • http://www.jfgibson.com.au/ Jodi Gibson

    I struggle with the constant connection in the world of social media. I get overwhelmed by it easily and often long for the days before social media when we didn’t know what was happening every minute of our friends (or acquaintances’ lives). I guess as an introvert I need to step away sometimes and just be with me. I’m okay with being alone and in my own company and even don’t mind feeling lonely every now and then. But I think social media can lead more to loneliness as John said below – it’s easy to get lost in the noise and feel isolated.

  • Maryann

    I like being alone. It is part of the reason I do not get involved in social media. In my job I talk to people, answer emails & phones all day long it is a relief to go home to silence, cook, read or just be. There are occasions when I can get a bit lonely but then I choose to engage, usually face-to-face or by phone. I have 2 maybe 3 people I call friends, but I turn to family first.

  • Jessica Chapman

    I actually don’t think I’ve ever felt lonely while I have been by myself. Maybe once or twice while my parents were away and I was at home on my own for extended periods of time. Even then it was more of a ‘huh, I don’t think I’ve used my voice box in 12 hours,’ rather than a true loneliness. Of course I missed having them around, but I’ve never equated missing someone in particular with being lonely.

    When I remember feeling lonely it’s always in a crowd, there’s usually people everywhere, sometimes people talking directly to me but in someway I feel disconnected. I think that might just be the way I’m hard wired. Even as a child I could play on my own for hours. I like being alone sometimes, I know how to do it well, I find it liberating not to be constrained by social pressures.

    The only way social media makes me feel lonely is for a split second when I see events I’m not invited to. Then I remember I’m not a teenager any more and that I spend a lot of time when I’m in a large group of people wishing I was at home and the feeling passes. I think the danger of social media comes when you use it as a yard stick to compare your life to.

  • melinka

    It’s strange, social media can make me feel *less* alone. Like now for example, catching the late train home from work 😛
    I think it’s common to feel ignored or invisible on social media, but that’s the nature of the beast. I grew up spending a lot of time on my own & I work in a job where I do 90% of my work alone. I don’t often feel lonely but if I do, it’s usually because I’ve had to miss a social nvitation – usually because of work – & I feel so disconnected & missing the people I’m meant to be seeing. Am looking forward to the holidays so I can catch up with old friends :)