Anecdotes, Dating, Health, Mental Health, Relationships, Self, Stories & Writing

He told me it was all in my head… I believed him

crying-woman-abused

Sitting on the bed in his grandmother’s room, two little boys in my care, I touched my face and I wondered if it was all in my head like he said.

There was a family get together at his parent’s house. I wasn’t very often allowed to attend family events. He thought it might look bad. He thought it might offend.

This time I was allowed, but I wasn’t supposed to speak.

We were watching TV in his grandmother’s room, two little boys in our care, when he told me off for something. I don’t even remember what it was. I was so incensed, I smacked his shoulder. Not hard, I was very weak.

As he hit me across the face I fell, from the edge of the bed where I stood, to the floor, hitting the bed on the way down. The two little boys looked on at the cousin they so greatly admired.

He left the room angry, angry at me for incensing him so. Angry at me for hitting him. Angry at me for overreacting, when he hadn’t touched me at all. I followed after him to his bedroom, and in hushed tones told him these boys were not here to see me, they were here to see him. I told him he shouldn’t have hit me. He told me he didn’t.

I walked back into his grandmother’s room, and I sat on the bed. The two little boys watching cartoons on the TV. I touched my face and I wondered. Was it all in my head?

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, you can ring the Domestic Violence Line for help on (TTY ).

The Domestic Violence Line is a statewide free-call number and is available 24 hours, seven days a week.

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  • http://explore.johnanthonyjames.com/ John James

    Oh, T – this just broke my heart – both because of the trauma you went through, but also because I know what it feels like to be the man in your story…not because I have ever hit a woman, but I do know what it’s like to be abusive, if only emotionally…I was a sad angry young man like that once…

    I should write a post about that…maybe…

    • http://www.kerrisackville.com Kerri Sackville

      JJ, I’d like to read that post…

      • http://explore.johnanthonyjames.com/ John James

        …I’ll see what happens…you know what it’s like…sometimes you can write these things, sometimes not…I’ll let you know if I do…

        • http://explore.johnanthonyjames.com/ John James

          This is my follow-up post:

          https://kikiandtea.com/2013/02/my-empathy-for-the-unforgiven/

    • Vicky

      So would I

  • http://www.kerrisackville.com Kerri Sackville

    Brave post. And there’s never an excuse for a man to hit a woman. xxxx

  • Lucy

    Oh T. I’m so sorry. It’s scary to be hit, or abused in anyway. I’ve been in a situation where I’ve been on the receiving end, and where I’ve been in the child’s position watching. You didn’t deserve that.

    It was not in your head, something that’s always important to remember is that they work into our kids and make us doubt ourselves.

  • Hayley Ashman

    I just want to give you a hug. Thank you for writing this. There is no excuse for what happened to you, T. None. xx

  • Vicky

    Yes. All part of the insidious twisted behaviour of domestic violence. Like you thought, I’m on the other side of it. Thank god. But not without a whole lot of heart ache and self examination. Bravo you for speaking your truth. It’s when we do, that we push against DV and claim back a little more of ourselves.

    • http://tamsinhowse.com/blog Tamsin Howse

      You are so right xxx

  • http://www.cupofteaandablog.com Catherine Rodie Blagg

    Powerful read honey xx

  • Maree Talidu

    Yes I’ve been hit. And pushed, shoved, spat at, had stuff thrown at me and the best one? Being pushed from a moving car. I knew it was real and was happening, but I’d also been conditioned by him to believe that I deserved it. Sorry for what you went through. I can say personally I would rather be hit than go through the emotional abuse, which was TORTURE. Good on you for sharing. XX

    • http://tamsinhowse.com/blog Tamsin Howse

      It gets inside your head, doesn’t it? I think that’s the thing that’s damaged me the most…

      • Maree Talidu

        Easily. I went from being this confident, vibrant person who then doubted herself, her worthiness, her value. I know it sounds awful but I would still choose the physical over the mental- the mental took so much longer to heal. In fact, it’s an ongoing process, as my lack of trust has sabotaged relationships that I’ve been in since him.

        Not that this makes it alright, violence is never the answer, but one day after he shoved me up against a wall I snapped and punched the shit out him. He never put his hands on me again.

  • Bec

    Wow, this stirs up so many emotions, I’ve never been in a situation like that but it makes me so angry the way that perpetrators of violence play mind games and twist things around to make the person they are abusing believe it’s their fault or they deserve the violence. Hell it makes me angry that there are perpetrators of violence at all! Thank you for being brave and sharing this.

  • Monique Fischle

    This is probably my favourite thing that you’ve written, which feels weird to say considering how heart-breaking the content is. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Very powerful and I’m so glad you were brave enough to share this.

  • Kate

    “it was nothing, stop over reacting” and “you deserved it” were the responses I got if I ever dared to protest. Took me over a year to accept that I never deserved it and still to this day I catch myself blaming my own actions.

    Thanks for speaking out, you’re very strong.

    • http://tamsinhowse.com/blog Tamsin Howse

      Stop overreacting… I know it all too well. xx

  • http://perthwife.wordpress.com/ PerthWife

    I understand that confusion of wondering if it was all in your head. I grew up in a not-very-nice household where my father was a pretty cruel man. He didn’t hit me often, but when he did, it would be a 10 minute flogging with a leather belt. I think back now and it doesn’t seem quite real, especially when I think about the good times, and I do wonder if those memories are imagined. I always believed it was my fault though – I made too much noise, didn’t do my homework quickly enough, said the wrong thing at the wrong time, etc. Eventually the beatings petered out and were replaced with death threats, which I also thought I deserved. Even now, in my very dark moments, a tiny part of me still believes what he said – that I’d be better off with my throat cut or my head beaten in.

    http://perthwife.wordpress.com/2012/06/06/dad/

    • http://tamsinhowse.com/blog Tamsin Howse

      When people get inside your head it’s so hard to stop believing it. But he wasn’t right. It isn’t true. You never deserved that. Never.

  • http://sonjaouise.wordpress.com SonjaLouise

    Darling T,
    Wow. Just wow. You write so wonderfully, so full of emotion. And I’m so sorry this happened to you. *epic internet hugs*

    I’ve never been hit, at least not physically. I’ve been hit by words that sting and silence that is confusing. I’ve witnessed rage (about something I’d ‘done’) manifest itself in fists through walls and doors and glass photo frames. I have been told not to make a sound, and in the same breath…”I love you, you know that right?”. It’s horrible. It’s harrowing. And the worst part is that when I tried to tell my friends, they thought I was making it up. Being over-sensitive – “He’s such a nice guy, he wouldn’t do that”. I had two boyfriends like this, once much much worse than the other (but that’s a story unto itself).

    Love to everyone xx

  • http://explore.johnanthonyjames.com/ John James

    Can I just say how much I love the KiKi & Tea community? I read your comments here some days and just think to myself, “you guys are the loveliest bunch of people”.

    :)

  • http://tamsinhowse.com/blog Tamsin Howse

    Thank you all for your comments. Love you guys xxx

  • http://www.bigwordsblog.com bigwords

    Brave, powerful, amazing and shows much strength. Thank you x

  • http://www.presentimperfection.com Caroline

    Oh lovely T, this was so hard to read, so brave of you to share your story. Thank you x

  • http://emhawker.blogspot.com Emily

    Wow. Thanks for sharing. Just wow.

  • http://none hellopetal

    I’ve never been hit by a partner but grew up in an emotionally & psychologically abusive family & for a long time we were all in denial about my father’s ways. This stuff is never just all in your head, someone put it there. I’m very glad that you are no longer in that relationship. Such an honest, simple piece of writing that I’m sure took some guts to write.

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  • http://carlyfindlay.blogspot.com carly findlay

    Such a beautifully written post Tamsin – I am so sorry you had to go through this. I think there is an element of “it’s all in my head” with physical and emotional abuse.
    Lots of love to you x

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