The views expressed in this piece are not necessarily the views of the writer
These are not the mothers in this story
I eavesdropped as they sat at a table, adding sugar to tea and talking about how different parenting had been for them. These women were all young mothers in the 1960’s and 70’s. Their experience with babies and raising children seemed so different to the way my generation approach it.
“I can’t believe there’s a ‘baby bonus’”, said Mum #1. “Why are they given money, thousands in fact, every time they have a child?” The other women murmured responses. There wasn’t resentment in her tone, but genuine incredulity.
I approached the table and sat. I knew all these women well, but had never thought about how different their experience with raising kids would have been. I asked them how being a young mum 40 years ago compared with the mothers of today and if there was anything they would like to say, with anonymity of course.
Mum #2 explained that technology was limited- “if I had a problem or a concern about our baby; I couldn’t ‘Google’ symptoms or text a friend for advice. It’s a good thing, technology. But I do wonder whether young mums tend to rely on the Internet for answers when often, your own gut, and your maternal instinct can give you a similar answer. We managed without the technology that is out there today.”
Mum #3 jumped in: “I guess my concern is that kids these days are often in control. You know, what’s that term? ‘Helicopter parenting’? I see it with my daughter and grandkids. I tell her that the child should not have the upper hand as a baby, but my daughter is loath to take control. She and her friends seem to be on high alert and concerned over little things- ‘she’s a bit grizzly’ or ‘you can’t visit now as he is napping.'”
I asked the table of women about what they saw as the biggest differences: one of the first answers was called out by 3 of the women: “maternity leave!” they echoed. “I quit my job when my first one came along-although my boss never said it, I knew I wouldn’t have a position waiting for me if I decided to go back. That’s just the way it was- kids OR career. It was rare to see a woman do both. And paternity leave? Unheard of. I think it’s a fantastic idea, it’s so important for fathers to bond with their babies as well. We just didn’t have that option. Home alone all day with a newborn- there were days where all I wanted was adult conversation. I guess that could be where the idea to have mother’s groups came in, but not for my generation. I think the fact that young mums have ‘mum and baby’ groups is a fantastic idea. You need to share your experiences with peers.”
I asked the women if they could give one piece of advice, or make a statement to the parents of today. The following is what I was told.
Mum #1 “I’d like to see and hear less complaining about money- we learned to budget and we did it without a lump sum payment from the government. When you choose to have a family, you need to be aware that your financial situation will often change dramatically. There’s no shame in learning to budget and I would also say that your kids won’t resent you if the nappies they wear aren’t the most expensive ones on the market. Don’t feel that you have to splash your money around on extravagant birthday parties- it’s not about out-doing each other. Be proud of the skills you pick up as you learn to balance your finances. Take advantage of free services that are offered by community health groups. And be grateful that those services are out there.”
Mum #2 “Don’t be too clingy, and don’t be afraid of a little dirt. Kids are going to get dirty. They are going to fall over and bump their heads. They will scrape their elbows. And they will be fine. I guess what I’m trying to say, is don’t overreact. If you see blood, don’t get hysterical because the child takes their cue from you. Try and be calm. Oh, and this is important, really important: kids are resilient. Maybe more than you know.”
Mum #3 “Don’t feel like you have failed if you can’t or don’t breastfeed. The pressure on young mums to breastfeed is enormous. Both of mine were bottle-fed and are perfectly healthy. Some women simply can’t do it and I think it’s unfair that they are sometimes ‘bullied’ by other mothers who look down in it. Stick with your gut instincts, because when I had my girls, I had no choice but to do that- my mother was overseas, my mother-in-law was unable to help, the baskets of cloth nappies seemed never-ending, but we got there. Trust your instincts, but don’t be afraid to ask for help.”
I thanked the women and excused myself. They had babies in a time where no financial assistance was offered, where maternity leave didn’t exist, where disposable nappies weren’t available, when baby monitors didn’t exist, when community support groups were few and far between. And not once did these women complain to me about it. They shared concerns about how parenting is handled by my generation, as is their right. Whilst concerns were mentioned and discussed, these women also didn’t sit back and take pot shots at my generation. Their conversation wasn’t judgmental in tone; it was more the musings of a group of friends who have a slightly different perspective on parenting. A group of women who were happy to be given a voice.
The Help is a series of posts where Maree will provide anonymous stories and opinions from those around her. Inspired by ‘The Help’ Maree is seeking to give a voice to those who feel they are unable to speak up themselves but have something they would like to say.
