How old is too old to become a parent?
I was 10 when I first realised I have ‘older’ parents. One of my friends was talking about her mum’s upcoming 35th birthday. My mum was 45. After asking around, I soon discovered that most of my friends’ parents were closer to 35 than 45. At the time it didn’t bother me too much, but it wasn’t long before I began to resent not having young parents.
It started when my sister had her first child. My sister is 12 years older than me and subsequently has fairly young parents. I got to see the active role my parents had in their grandson’s life. The feeling of resentment only worsened as my sister went on to have two more children. Our parents are absolutely wonderful grandparents and over the last 13 years, since my first nephew was born, have completely embraced the role. While it’s been a great experience seeing the joy this has brought to their lives, it’s always been in the back of my mind that by the time I have children my parents may not be able to play such a big part in their lives.
Since moving away from the country and expanding my social circle I’ve discovered that, really, my parents aren’t all that old, and I probably shouldn’t write them off just yet! I’ve also matured quite a bit (I like to think) and realised that my parents probably didn’t plan to have their children so far apart, and certainly didn’t do so to deprive me of anything. I know people younger than my 26 years who’s parents are approaching their 70s. But hearing their stories, combined with my own experience, has made me think a lot about people having children later in life.
I have one friend who, at some point in the next 5 years, will likely need to start caring for her parents. She is 25. I can’t imagine what this must feel like. I know she will do it without hesitation but I can’t help thinking about the impact this will have on her life. While others her age are travelling, throwing themselves into their careers, and settling down and starting a family, she will be planning her life around the needs of her ageing parents. There is nothing to say she cannot do it all but it doesn’t change the fact that she will have to manage a juggling act that her peers won’t face for another 10 to 20 years.
We hear about women’s biological clocks a lot now. Couples are having children later in life for many reasons and this is leading to fertility issues becoming more common. There are also women who, for a range of reasons, find themselves single at the end of their child-bearing years and decide to use a sperm donor in order to become a parent. Some in their mid-forties. How far into the future do these people look when deciding to have a child? Do they think about when their children will have to care for them? Or how much of their grandchildren’s lives they will get to see? This is not an attack. I would really like to know because I may find myself facing this situation one day.
Due to a lot of different circumstances, and some of my life goals, I know I won’t be trying to start a family until I’m in my 30s. I have no idea how fertile I will be then so even if the stars align and I am ready to have kids then maybe it won’t be that easy. There’s a good chance I will have a child at the same age my parents were when they had me. I’m OK with that; despite wishing my children could have the experience my sister’s children have had. But I do ask myself how late would I leave it? Is it fair and responsible to have a child in your mid-to-late-forties? Fifties? Sixties? When do you have to accept that the ship has sailed?
Do you consider children in your life plans? Are you planning to have children later in life? How old is too old to become a parent?
