“I really want you to leave, but I don’t know what to say without being a dick”. And so is the opening scene of Bridesmaids with what most of us know as the booty call. Casual sex isn’t something new. But I must admit it is getting kind of old. I cringed as I watched Annie (Kristen Wiig) pretend like she wasn’t bothered by her bonk buddy’s nonchalance. Not because I think I’m better than her but because I’ve been there. It might start off as something fun and light but it wrecks havoc with your self esteem. Especially for women. Well at least most women I know. It’s not fun or empowering to be a masturbation device. Having a one night stand should be exactly that – one night. Not two. Or three. Or better yet avoid them all together unless the object of your affection is extremely good looking but has the personality of a neglected pot plant.
Most women have been led to believe that we can have sex like men. And perhaps some of us can. Good for you. But for most of us it’s a little more tricky. We go into it thinking we can have sex like men and it works, well, the first time at least. Going back for seconds is where it becomes high risk behaviour. Generally, the guys don’t care – in their mind they’re thinking “sweet, I don’t have to have a relationship and this chick is so cool”. Newflash. You’re right she IS cool, thanks for noticing but don’t use her for sex. Nobody has sex for free. There is always a price to pay. You might be having sex with a stranger to get over your ex or to make your ex take notice of you. Bad. It’s a quick fix that felt so right the night before but alcohol will make even the taxi driver look fair game. Then you wake up in the morning and you realise you’re in bed with a douchebag. And Mr Douchebag ain’t so hot in the morning. He’s just an asshole.
I may have done my research on this. You’re welcome.
During these flighty relationships when we are single-and-looking-for-more-than-a-mingle, we find ourselves in bed, or somewhere else less desirable, being twisted and contorted in ways to help him to reach an orgasm more quickly. Her enjoyment factor? Not even a consideration. You try to slow him down. He goes faster. You try to tell him what you like. He does it for half a minute or less and then gives up. Whatta Man! And sometimes, just like Annie, we go back for more. Why? As Annie’s best friend Lillian says in the movie, “you hate yourself after you see him. Everytime. And then we go through this and you feel like shit”. The truth is your girlfriends know exactly how your pattern works and they’ll bring it up over breakfast to remind you that you can’t change a man. But unfortunately as much as we whinge about our non-existant love lives, you’re never going to find Mr Right while you’re still bonking Mr Dud.
We’ve all had a dud. He texts at like 11:23pm on a Friday night asking “R U out?”. You look at the text like half a million times and try and construct a witty, yet casual reply back. It never works. You can’t be casual when you’re trying to act casual. It doesn’t work like that. If you’re out and had a few drinks you think ‘what’s the harm? It’s just a bit of fun’. Wrong. Never drink and text. Especially texts like ‘I miss you’ or ‘I love you’. All bad. The subtext of that text is he’ll think you’re crazy or even worse he’ll use your vulnerability to get you in a cab and back to his place pronto. Not cool. Don’t be vulnerable – be strong. Yeah it’s hard being single but it’s even harder when you continue to put up with boys who don’t give a shit and treat you like shit. And that’s what they are – boys. Go find a Man. Or Woman. Whatever floats your boat. Just don’t put up with anything less than what you deserve.
About a month ago I deleted the numbers of people in my phone who I no longer wanted to associate myself with. Texts; phone numbers – the lot. There’s no longer the possibility of accidentally sending a drunk text message or leaving a less-than-cool voicemail. Why? Because I want something better. I don’t want to have to decipher his text messages unless he’s actually worth it. I don’t want to engage in banter with a bloke that I don’t really respect, much less like. I want to save all that for someone in my future who knows how to treat a girl with respect – and actually, you know, respects themselves too. Because that’s much more empowering than trying to have sex like a man. If you’ve got it, flaunt it – but if you don’t it’s not a good idea to fake it. You’re only hurting yourself and that’s just silly. Being empowered is about staying true to yourself; it’s not about trying to be who someone else wants you to be. Well, that’s the feminism I stand up for.
Have you ever had casual sex? Do you think it can work? Do you believe women can have sex like men?
