Children, Home, Lifestyle, Money, Work

“You Don’t Have A Family” And Other Assumptions

Family isn't just biological children...
Family isn't just biological children...

Family isn't just biological children...

I have a neighbour who likes to remind me that I “don’t have a family” whenever I say something about going out, buying dinner, watching a movie or even going to the gym. “Oh but you’ve got time because you don’t have a family”. Even when I say something about not doing anything on the weekend, she will inform me “You’ll make plans because you don’t have a family”.

Ignoring for a moment that these comments generally happen first thing in the morning right when I leave my house, before I’ve had coffee and while I’m still trying to remember if I’ve got underpants on. There’s a bit of annoyance in that statement for me on two levels.

Yes, I know that I do not have biological children. I am aware that “it’s different” that I have a stepdaughter, especially as she does not live with us (Trust me, I don’t need reminding that I’m ‘not a real mum’). And I’m aware that my lifestyle will change if she comes to live with us or if/when I have biological children. I don’t doubt any of that for a moment. My annoyance stems from the fact that because I have not given birth, I do not have a family and this automatically means I live a certain lifestyle.

Well, I have a husband. I have a stepdaughter, a brother, a mother, a father, a mother in law, a father in law, a brother in law, a sister in law, two beautiful nieces, I have cousins and my husband has stepbrothers who also have wives and kids. None of that matters? Apparently not.

I don’t have a family because I don’t have children.

In conversation, this statement has extended to the following preconceptions about my life:

  • I go out on the weekend.
  • I go to bars and clubs.
  • I go to the movies a lot.
  • I can go to the gym.
  • I don’t have to make dinner.
  • I use more water (I don’t know the logic behind this one).

I will admit, I can see the logic behind some of these, but I’m one of those annoying people who don’t like it when other people make sweeping assumptions about my lifestyle based only on a factor or two. Like, oh I don’t know, most people. On top of that I’m a bit of a home body so I don’t actually go to clubs or bars, I’d rather have a friend over and I think movies are overpriced when I can buy the DVD cheaper. Yeah, so sometimes I end up buying maccas instead of cooking dinner, but that’s laziness and I have a fairly strong suspicion having a child won’t change that much (it doesn’t when Stepdaughter is here!).

This whole thing has really got me thinking. There are a lot of assumptions people make about other people. Assumptions about you because you don’t have a family (and let’s not even get me started on the preconceptions about me because I’m a stepmother), because you do, because you drive a certain car, have a certain job or look a certain way. They might assume that you have a lot of money, or don’t. Maybe they will assume you are a certain way because of where you live, or what you look like. If you have a tan, are you automatically a surfie? If you’re gay, are you automatically camp?

Do people make assumptions about your life? Do you make assumptions about others? Are the assumptions about you correct?

T.

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  • Always Anonymous

    I once got told I had no common sense as I hadn’t given
    birth… Not sure where the common sense in that judgement
    is!

    • http://tamsinhowse.com/blog Tamsin Howse

      Well, yes, obviously when you give birth you receive a special certificate in common sense.

      • Inge-Lise

        Oh how I wish that one were true. It seems that a lot of my common sense became instantly impractical as soon as I had a child!

  • http://Hutchiesabroad.wordpress.com carohutchison

    People assume that being married to doctor means we’re rolling in cash. Umm no, he’s still studying. It’s been 15 years of medical training so far and potentially three more to go.

    • http://tamsinhowse.com/blog Tamsin Howse

      And then you have to pay for all the studying too! I don’t envy doctors..

  • Ash

    Oh the assumptions!

    I’m still at home right now. Assumptions about my maturity: Yikes.

    I don’t have any interest in relationships right now. Assumptions about being “sexually repressed” or more so- “Not really an adult”.

    Assumptions about whether or not I have the right to give advice about parenting because even though I’ve been a Nanny for infants through school-age, and have been trained in their care and education- I haven’t got the right to give my opinion because- hey- I haven’t got kids of my own.

    Assumptions like this, I find, are made by people who are either jealous of your lifestyle or trying to justify why they aren’t doing similar things to you.

    “Oh, you can do that because you don’t have a family”

    No. You can do that because you want to. She can’t do it because she hasn’t managed her time well enough. I know plenty of mothers- some with large broods and no domestic help- who find ways to excersise, go out once in a while, borrow a movie, *not* make dinner.

    It’s just time management. Some are better at it than others.

    • http://tamsinhowse.com/blog Tamsin Howse

      You have made an interesting point regarding jealousy. I do think a lot of it is driven by jealousy.

    • clansi

      “No. You can do that because you want to. She can’t do it because she hasn’t managed her time well enough. I know plenty of mothers- some with large broods and no domestic help- who find ways to excersise, go out once in a while, borrow a movie, *not* make dinner.”

      Isn’t this just as judgemental? Yes, for some people time management is why they can/can’t do things, but honestly there are other things that intervene also. I know plenty of parents that have incredibly demanding infants and children and, quite literally, do not have time to go to take a shower and still be able to be the parent their child needs them to be at this point in life.

      Sometimes poor time management, yes, but you *can’t* know that….

  • http://music.johnanthonyjames.com/ John James

    I hate it when people think childless couples are not a “family”…My partner R is my family…way more than even my own family…

    I also hate it when people make assumptions about me…I’ve got long hair, I don’t shave, I dress scruffily…people assume I’m a drug-taking, left-wing hippy drop-out…when I’m actually a tea-totaller, white-collar, lower-north-shore living liberal-democrat…

    • http://tamsinhowse.com/blog Tamsin Howse

      I’m with you. Your partner is your family. Husband is my family. He is my top priority and the most important person in my life.

      Yes, it’s different. But that doesn’t mean it’s not just as important.

  • Mandi Aylmore

    I don’t agree with your neighbour T. To me, a family starts when two people make a commitment to each other, whether they marry or not.

    The assumptions made about me are numerous. I’m overweight, so I must eat like a pig. I’m single, so I must be rolling in money. I’m widowed so I must have received a shitload of money when my husband died. I have two cats so I’m the cat lady.

    Gah. I hate people sometimes.

    • http://tamsinhowse.com/blog Tamsin Howse

      So… you’re an overeating, rich, cat lady? I knew we were friends for a reason 😉

    • Dolly Levi

      Yes Mandi, dont get me started on the fact that people think because we are single we have an ENORMOUS disposable income !! Ummm…. no ! Single people have the same bills as couples and families and we also have to pay the same amount for rent and groceries and petrol and we manage on one wage. You don’t hear us going around saying ‘oh but you have two wages coming in so you can afford everything easily’.

  • Katherine

    You use more water? I wonder how that works. I’ve never done so much laundry in my life since I had a baby. Are child free people out having big water parties that I know nothing about? What are you all up to?

    • http://tamsinhowse.com/blog Tamsin Howse

      Damnit… sprung

  • Inge-Lise

    Yes, you DO have a family. When I think of how much you actually manage to do for your family it makes me very cross to hear what that person is saying about you. How we live our lives depend an awful lot more on what we actually want or plan to do and the type of person you are, not on the circumstances in which we find ourselves.

    However, you raise a deeper point about making snap judgments about people, and this is an easy to trap to fall into. I am so much reminded of Kevin, your Husband’s Dad, who was so excellent about accepting people just the way they were. Here comes a story to illustrate.

    We were running a youth camp in South England. There were some really beautiful girls present and also some cool guys. It was a spiritual retreat and the other helpers were very nice, but “careful” Christians.

    One afternoon the entry to the camp got visited by a smallish gang of some 15 motorcycle people. The camp started to buzz: “what are we going to do?” “Should we call the police?” Everyone seemed to be nervous and worried.

    Not Kevin, however. He strode down the avenue and greeted the guys. “Hey, how are you going?” “Would you like to see the camp?” Yes, of course they would. So they got off their black and silver motor bikes, took off their helmets and followed Kevin like a small flock of sheep.

    He took them all over the camp, introduced them to people and finally took them into the dining tent and served them hot chocolate. This is when he started to ask them about their lives and how they were getting on with the Man Upstairs.

    That night some ten of them came to the evening meeting and sat in the front row while Kevin preached. If any of the kids made a noise behind them they would slew around and glare. We never had a better behaved youth group!

    Not being frightened of people who have different beliefs to you, or dress differently or behave in different ways is a big step towards truly respecting each other.

    Thank you Tamsin for your excellent posts, sorry for the long reply, but you brought to mind one of my choice memories.

    • http://tamsinhowse.com/blog Tamsin Howse

      What a lovely story.

  • Bek M

    I get loads of assumptions.

    Single Mum: If you’d just tried harder you’d have made the marriage work. Divorce is selfish. Welfare bludger. Spend all your time on the couch. Not a real family.

    Christian: You shouldn’t be interested in anything not conservative or mainstream. People are always surprised that I like reading fantasy & sci-fi, enjoy tv shows oh and play Dungeons and Dragons (no I’m not performing blood sacrifices and actually casting spells).

    Fat: You’re lazy, gluttonous, shouldn’t be looked at, shouldn’t dress in interesting clothing, you’re going to die, you must spend all your time trying not to be….

  • nl

    A friend asked me the other day if my husband was a ‘stop and slow’ guy?
    I laughed, and asked why?
    she told me ‘well, he drives that old ute and when i see him he’s wearing steel caps…’
    I told her that he is a Senior Exec for a global Mining Co.
    He loved that she thought that.

  • Rose Russo

    I don’t have a polite way to put this.

    Tell this woman to get fucked! Or I will!