Suddenly Single: How I became a single mother. And what I learnt.

“I’m moving out. I don’t think I want to be married anymore. I’m not happy” came the calm reply, after I had cornered my husband and asked what was wrong. He had been avoiding me all night.

Those words were like a hammer to my chest. Suddenly everything felt surreal. We had been unhappy in our marriage for a few years, but I didn’t think things were as bad as that. Now I look back, I can see that my husband had been verbally and emotionally abusing me for years, but all I could think was he was leaving me. I wouldn’t be able to cope.

“Look, you’re just not the sort of type I usually go for. I was feeling like settling down and getting married, and you were there, and seemed like the marrying type.”
He started listing the qualities that were lacking in me. The kind, patronising tone of voice he was using was far worse than his usual raised voice. My brain provided a silent commentary.
“You’re not athletic.” But I was never athletic.
“You don’t stand up to me and state your opinions.” But if I do you yell at me until I agree with you. You are always right, and I’m always wrong.
“You’re a weak person.” I am NOT weak! I’ll show you how weak I am, I’m going to cope really well with this!
“You’re too fat.” I’m pregnant!
The list continued until he walked out the door, suggesting kindly that I should ring someone to come over as I would be feeling upset.

I collapsed on the floor, leaning against the couch, sobbing, struggling to breathe. I felt like I was going to die. My body was just too small to contain all this pain and panic. “I’m having a panic attack” I thought, “Huh, so this is what one feels like”. I had to get a hold of myself. My three year old son was fast asleep in the next room, blissfully oblivious to the drama unfolding. I placed my hand over my stomach, knowing my second little son was growing in there, four months along already. “I have to calm down, or the baby will be affected” I thought. My boys aren’t going to have a Dad. My baby is going to be born and he won’t have a Dad here. This can’t happen to them!

The next day was hard. I would burst into tears, and worry Mr 3, who would cuddle me. I kept saying “Mummy is very sad right now but she’ll be alright.” I didn’t know how to explain to a three year old that his Daddy wasn’t coming home. After dinner, Mr 3 went to the window and sat on the window sill. I burst into tears again. He was waiting for his Daddy to come home from work. It didn’t matter that Daddy always came home in a curt mood, wanting dinner right away and “will you get Mr 3 away from me I’m trying to relax!”, he just wanted his Daddy.

As time passed, I was able to keep it together when talking about how I was coping, but when I was asked about the effect on Mr 3, I just couldn’t. How to describe the complete change of personality? Mr 3 went from happy, cheerful, confident to clingy, afraid of everything, anxious. He woke up in the night screaming for Daddy. He waited at the window for weeks. He wouldn’t let me out of his sight. He started biting his nails. I was crushed with guilt at what the situation had done to him.

However, the longer I was away from my husband, the better I felt. I no longer felt sick to the stomach when I heard his car pull into the driveway. I no longer had to walk on eggshells around the house. I no longer had to carefully consider every word that came out of my mouth in case it offended him in some way or made him angry. Or set him off on a lecture on my failure to be a good wife. I realised how numb I had been making myself in order to cope with being with him. I had set my feelings so far apart from me that I no longer knew how I felt. It was a scary feeling to be so out of touch. For so long my sense of self had been tied to his. If he was happy, I could be happy. If he was sad, I needed to cheer him up. If he was angry, I needed to change what was wrong with me so I wouldn’t make him angry again.

People remarked how hard it must be to be coping with Mr 3 on my own, but it wasn’t. My responsibilities were still the same, it was just the atmosphere that was different. I still did all the child-rearing myself, as I always had. Only now I wasn’t being criticised, put-down for everything I did.

Despite this, I wanted to stay married. I was a Christian, divorce wasn’t in my vocabulary. Marriage and an intact family were so important to me. My husband and I were exchanging emails. A lot of his were angry, rambling and poisonous, but I did my best to respond logically to them. I dragged him along to some counselling sessions until he refused to go.

I remember reading one email, in which he stated that if he yelled at me then that meant I was doing something to make him angry. That I needed to look to myself to fix what I was doing wrong. Suddenly it occurred to me – that’s the same argument used by men who hit women.

That was my first realisation that maybe what was happening was abusive, even if it hadn’t been physical. I realised I didn’t want Mr 3 growing up thinking this was how he should treat women. It kept me strong when he would turn up at night, come in and try to bully me into him moving back in.

Eventually he told me he’d been seeing another woman for most of the year, and had started sleeping with her when it became obvious that I wouldn’t let him come back. He no longer wanted to reconcile. I calmly said that was fine with me, I didn’t want to reconcile either. I felt relief. Now I was free to get divorced.

My pastor gave me some great advice during that time that stuck with me.
“Bek, you’re hurting right now and that’s OK, but when you’re able to think about things, remember that being a single mum isn’t all that you are. You are more than that. Don’t let what has happened define you, and the way you live. Some time from now, when you’re feeling more able to cope, look around for a friend that needs help and put your energies towards helping them. It will help you be more outward focused and less likely to dwell on things.”

Of course there were many complications to follow, but now I am finally divorced, and he is living overseas with a new wife.

It’s been four years and six months. The things that have kept me going are my relationship with God, my family and friends, and having to keep it together for my kids. Mr 7 has regained a lot of his confidence, but still struggles with anxiety and a nagging feeling that I don’t really love him. Mr 4 is cheerful, cuddly and unaware that our family ever had another member.

I put on a cheerful front, but inside I still feel broken. I am scared of ever being in another relationship. I don’t trust my judgment. I feel (unfairly I know) that for me marriage is a trap and a prison. At the moment I plan to never have another man (partner) in my kid’s lives ever again. I’m happy with my life, I think I’m very lucky to have my gorgeous sons all to myself, and I can see how I’ve grown from the scared dependent wife that I once was.

Things I’ve learnt from becoming a single mum:

1. You can’t do it all yourself. Ask for help, and build up a support network. My church has a mowing roster set up where guys come and mow for me regularly. As I’m allergic to grass, this is much appreciated.
2. Never ever say bad things about your ex to your kids. Ever. That said, don’t lie to them either. If Dad doesn’t turn up when he says he will, don’t make excuses for him. Suggest that they call Dad and ask him to explain what happened.
3.  It’s important to have some time to yourself. Vital. You’re not being selfish to do so.
4. Don’t compare yourself to other two parent families, or other single mums. You have your own energy level, your own personality and your own skills and interests.
5. Read books and take out what will work for you. I’m in the position of being the only single mum at my church. I read lots of books on being a Christian single mum to help get my head around the idea.
6. You are the expert on your own children.
7. You are going to feel left out, marginalised, isolated and lonely at times. I feel lonely most nights, not for my ex, but for companionship. But it is better to be alone than with the wrong person. 
8. You are not a broken home. You are a family.