How infertile do you have to be before you are considered infertile?
It’s been over a year. I knew it would take a while, but I heard all the stories. “My best friend’s brother’s girlfriend had that but she got pregnant straight away…”
It’s like living in stasis.
Do you plan for the kid you may never have? Do you plan for a future without them? Do you book a holiday, or take a new job, or plan anything at all? Do you just carry with life as per normal thinking “well if it happens, it happens” or do you try to accommodate the possibility?
It’s the lack of control. It’s the feeling of drifting in someone else’s sea. It’s grieving for something you feel you’ve lost, even though you never had it. It’s that mixture of joy and sadness when someone else falls.
Congrat-u-fuck-u-lations as a friend so succinctly put it.
It’s being terrified to go to the doctor and say “I need help”. It’s the frustration that when you do it’s just tests and no quick fix. It’s the desire to pretend it isn’t happening, not to talk about it or reference it. Block it off from everyone because you’re not meant to talk about it. Because you don’t want their advice. Because you don’t want them to ask.
It’s the stress it puts on your marriage. It’s the fun it takes out of sex. It’s the frustration, the hurt, the feeling that you’ve somehow failed as a woman, as a human being.
Little Viking, what if I never meet you? I already love you so much and you’re just an idea.