There comes a moment in your life, when you have to just accept who you are.
You realise you aren’t going to change. You also realise that you actually like who you are (unless of course you are an axe murderer, in which case I would strongly suggest you keep working on yourself. Change is a good thing!)
Well, recently, I’ve had that moment. I’ve embraced my nerdiness. I’ve realised that despite my nerdom, I’m actually kinda awesome, and that I no longer hate myself.
That’s a huge thing for me to say. I’ve spent almost all of my 35 years hating myself (gross exaggeration, of course, you can’t really hate yourself when you are two. But you know what I mean). To get to a point where I actually smile at my reflection instead of wanting to break the mirror is a massive thing.
Thing is, I have no idea how it happened. It just did. I woke up one morning, understood that I was worth it, and started to get my stuff together.
I’ve had people tell me “You have to learn to love yourself”. Yep, I get that. “Once you accept yourself, and are comfortable in yourself, you open yourself up to any possibility!” Uh huh. “Mandi, once you learn to love yourself, you will find someone who loves you too”. Ok.
I know these people mean well, but it’s not as simple as just listening to people talk at you. You honestly have to believe it yourself. It doesn’t matter how many times someone else tells you how awesome you are. Until you believe it yourself, it doesn’t make a lick of difference.
I can’t tell you how free I feel. I can honestly say that I don’t care one bit what other people think of me. If someone has an issue with me, that’s their problem, not mine.
My motivation levels have increased significantly, which makes a big difference on the state of my house. This also means I’m looking after myself. I haven’t had yucky take away since before I went on holidays!
Despite all of the above, there is one enormous brick wall standing in my way. I still have an intense fear of rejection. When the possibility of rejection is there, I go into self-doubt mode. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to stop feeling like a loser.
This is holding me back.
There’s this guy (isn’t there always?). Most people online would know him as Gamer Guy. I have desperately wanted to tell him how I feel. But I just can’t. Why? Because of the fear of rejection. The fear of not being good enough. The whole “Why would someone like HIM be interested in someone like ME”. All the good of accepting I’m awesome just flies out the window.
I mean, what’s the worst he could say? No? Oh my god he could say no (cue much hyperventilating from me). Hearing no, rejection, I’m just not ready for that yet.
I thought I was doing so well embracing who I am, but it looks like I still have far to go. I need to learn that hearing no isn’t the end of the world. That even if someone isn’t interested, it doesn’t mean I’m not a good person.
I know I know. I’ve just said in the paragraph above what I need to do. Even though I can write what I need to do, doesn’t mean I can actually do it. Yet. But I will.
I’ve come so far. But my self-acceptance journey still has some distance to travel. I will get there, though. I will conquer this fear.
Do you or did you have fear of something that you think is irrational? How did you overcome it? Any tips for me? How are you going with your self-confidence journey?
To submit a guest post email email@example.com
iamevilcupcake has written 17 posts.
Mandi is a mega-nerd who lives on the Central Coast with her two cats. She loves gaming and reading, Star Wars AND Star Trek, and has started collecting board games. One day Mandi hopes to be a published writer. She blogs here.
Follow on twitter: @iamevilcupcake