Confidence and the Fear of Rejection

July 12, 2012 in Body Image, Dating, Health, Mental Health, People, Relationships, Self

Today’s guest post by Mandi Aylmore:

There comes a moment in your life, when you have to just accept who you are.

You realise you aren’t going to change. You also realise that you actually like who you are (unless of course you are an axe murderer, in which case I would strongly suggest you keep working on yourself. Change is a good thing!)

Well, recently, I’ve had that moment. I’ve embraced my nerdiness. I’ve realised that despite my nerdom, I’m actually kinda awesome, and that I no longer hate myself.

That’s a huge thing for me to say. I’ve spent almost all of my 35 years hating myself (gross exaggeration, of course, you can’t really hate yourself when you are two. But you know what I mean). To get to a point where I actually smile at my reflection instead of wanting to break the mirror is a massive thing.

Thing is, I have no idea how it happened. It just did. I woke up one morning, understood that I was worth it, and started to get my stuff together.

I’ve had people tell me “You have to learn to love yourself”. Yep, I get that. “Once you accept yourself, and are comfortable in yourself, you open yourself up to any possibility!” Uh huh. “Mandi, once you learn to love yourself, you will find someone who loves you too”. Ok.

I know these people mean well, but it’s not as simple as just listening to people talk at you. You honestly have to believe it yourself. It doesn’t matter how many times someone else tells you how awesome you are. Until you believe it yourself, it doesn’t make a lick of difference.

I can’t tell you how free I feel. I can honestly say that I don’t care one bit what other people think of me. If someone has an issue with me, that’s their problem, not mine.

My motivation levels have increased significantly, which makes a big difference on the state of my house. This also means I’m looking after myself. I haven’t had yucky take away since before I went on holidays!

I just need to keep swimming towards the light

Despite all of the above, there is one enormous brick wall standing in my way. I still have an intense fear of rejection. When the possibility of rejection is there, I go into self-doubt mode. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to stop feeling like a loser.

This is holding me back.

There’s this guy (isn’t there always?). Most people online would know him as Gamer Guy. I have desperately wanted to tell him how I feel. But I just can’t. Why? Because of the fear of rejection. The fear of not being good enough. The whole “Why would someone like HIM be interested in someone like ME”. All the good of accepting I’m awesome just flies out the window.

I mean, what’s the worst he could say? No? Oh my god he could say no (cue much hyperventilating from me). Hearing no, rejection, I’m just not ready for that yet.

I thought I was doing so well embracing who I am, but it looks like I still have far to go. I need to learn that hearing no isn’t the end of the world. That even if someone isn’t interested, it doesn’t mean I’m not a good person.

I know I know. I’ve just said in the paragraph above what I need to do. Even though I can write what I need to do, doesn’t mean I can actually do it. Yet. But I will.

I’ve come so far. But my self-acceptance journey still has some distance to travel. I will get there, though. I will conquer this fear.

Do you or did you have fear of something that you think is irrational? How did you overcome it? Any tips for me? How are you going with your self-confidence journey?

Necklace Underwater image by Kent Marcus

To submit a guest post email submissions@kikiandtea.com

Author Info

iamevilcupcake has written 17 posts.
Mandi is a mega-nerd who lives on the Central Coast with her two cats. She loves gaming and reading, Star Wars AND Star Trek, and has started collecting board games. One day Mandi hopes to be a published writer. She blogs here.
Follow on twitter: @iamevilcupcake
Website: http://iamevilcupcakeblog.wordpress.com/

21 Comments »

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Valentina B

You’re right in that people can tell you all those things but until you come to that realisation yourself, it doesn’t make a difference. It’s a bit like quitting smoking – you won’t do it until you want to do it.

I think everyone has fear of rejection. It’s natural. no one wants to hear a no when they want a yes especially if you are invested in the outcome. The only thing I can suggest is to just do it. The more you get used to rejection and survive, the less you’ll feel that anxiety associated with it!
- Mandi Aylmore
  
  I’m glad I’m not the only one!
Sonja van Woerkom

Having Generalised Anxiety Disorder, I’m pretty much capable of irrational fear in any and every situation. My therapist does this thing where she gets me to just stop. and breathe. Then sift through the thoughts (with her, verbally; when alone, just in my head) looking at each one and trying to find some actual factual evidence that supports my theory of what might happen. Oh, it’s hard. But it works!

Specifically about rejection…it’s something I have an INTENSE fear of, based on several things that happened to me when I was younger. The thing I’ve learnt about it though is this: rejection doesn’t somehow mean we’re “faulty”. It just means that whatever we were rejected from (a relationship, a job) wasn’t right for us at the time.

So, I say: GO AHEAD AND TELL GAMER GUY! Face to face if you can. Or over the phone. Put yourself out there Mandi. It might not go down how you want it to, but if you say nothing you will forever wonder.
- Mandi Aylmore
  
  I think I like your therapist! I’m so glad that works for you Sonja. I might try sifting my thoughts the same way.
  - Sonja van Woerkom
    
    Mostly, I dislike her. Especially when she’s right!
Rose Russo

What a great post Mandi. You already know that I think you are just the most splendid awesome chick who loves Gentleman Jack… could it get any better than that?

I think that you should Gamer Guy of course I do. I think that it will just HIT you and you’ll just blurt it out one day and I’m here cheering you on the sidelines hoping that day is soon

xx
- Mandi Aylmore
  
  Yes, I’m thinking it will be a blurt out moment too. Hopefully I won’t make too much of a fool out of myself. And if it doesn’t work, I have Jack
http://music.johnanthonyjames.com/ John James

You know, R rejected me the first time I admitted I had feelings for her…it took her a couple of weeks to come to terms with her own feelings for me…so even an initial rejection can lead to something else…
- Mandi Aylmore
  
  Really? So what happened those couple of weeks later? Did R come to you?
  - http://music.johnanthonyjames.com/ John James
    
    No – we worked together, but I was on holidays…but I just called her up the next week and asked her to lunch, just as friends and not expecting anything else…but she had decided by then that she liked me back…it just kind off happened without either of us doing much…but it took that first step the week before to get things rolling…
    - Mandi Aylmore
      
      Awwwww that’s so lovely JJ
http://www.strongerbraversmarter.wordpress.com Lucy

One thing that’s really important (And also really hard) to remember is that rejection has no direct correlation to your self worth. You need to remind yourself that if Gamer Guy says no, then there’s reasons for that. Those reasons have nothing to do with you not being good enough. By avoiding possible rejection, we not only avoid some possible pain and discomfort but also the possibility of warmth, comfort, fun and love. Unfortunately we can’t selectively avoid our feelings – when we numb or avoid the bad, we do the same with the good and continue to exist in the no mans land of avoidance.

I say go for it. Tell Gamer Guy how you feel. Be honest and open with him. You don’t know until you try. There’s a 50/50 chance it’ll go your way and that’s an odd that’s too good to avoid to protect yourself from some discomfort.

You’re worthy of love and affection and acceptance. Standing in the safety of the sidelines and simply looking in at what you want is more painful than beginning the journey across and working for it.

<3
- Mandi Aylmore
  
  That is perhaps the most grown up thing I’ve ever read. Thanks Lucy
http://tamsinhowse.com/blog Tamsin Howse

I support what everyone else has said, completely, and I’d also like to add this:

Everyone is afraid of rejection. Even me, with no filter from my brain to my mouth. The person who jumps in the bath with her socks on. But even more important than that, my Husband was too. And when I ask him if he ever would have pursued me, ever taken a chance and asked me out, he says no. Absolutely not. Never would have. No hesitation in his answer, no. It was always up to me.

One of you have to take the chance. Because no matter the feelings between two people, one of you has to make the first move! Why shouldn’t it be you?

Good luck! xx
- Mandi Aylmore
  
  Wow. When you put it like that T. Why wouldn’t have hubby asked you out? Same fear as me?
  - http://tamsinhowse.com/blog Tamsin Howse
    
    Not willing to take the chance.
fender4eva

Cuppy, what the others said. Specifically, I agree with Lucy. 50/50 odds are pretty good, when you think about it ! Good luck, and we’re all rooting for you. { IN a nice way, of course….. }
- Mandi Aylmore
  
  Naughty naughty Fender . . .
The girl from the carnival

This could seriously be my story. Thank you for your honest and lovely post

But, there’s one thing different. I asked my “gamer guy” out. I’ll be honest, it took me at least 6 months to get there and on the day I spoke to him face to face about it, I was a wreck… but it was the wise words of a friend, who said “what have you got to lose except love” that got me there. (PS – I was going to be in a very awkward situation if it didn’t work out… we worked about 3 desks away from each other!).

We’ve now been together for four years – and it is seriously the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Whatever the result, how awesome and amazing and strong will you be, for putting yourself in this position… It can be a very empowering thing to stand up and say “I quite fancy you!”

Fingers and toes crossed.

E
Denyse Whelan

Hi Mandi,
I am happy to see you are going well..except for the one thing… It struck me reading this, and the comments & knowing of his existence that maybe there IS another way, to ask…send him this post! What might that do?
Hopefully start a conversation!
Love Denyse x
http://rainbowbakes.com Laurin

Hey Mandi,
just wanted to say congrats for your first KK & T post! and – so brave to put all this out there. Without invalidating how you’re feeling, it is pretty normal to fear that.
I think you are so on the right track though, and so jealous of where you’re at – it’s such an awesome, freeing place to be, knowing your worth and ignoring the bullshit.

And it’s not a contradiction of that that you’re still afraid of rejection. I think at a core level, even when we know better, rejection still speaks to that really vulnerable place inside each of us, and when it’s someone you *really* like… eep.

But, as has been pointed out above – when you avoid rejection, you’re also missing out on some amazing stuff. Tbh, when I’d heard you speak about GG online, I already thought you two were a couple! So it’s obvious that you’re close. I would say go for it – in your own time, when you can manage that anxiety and make sure you’re not doing it just cos we all told you too Which is a tricky line to walk, because sometimes we can procrastinate, even if we *are* ready to take a leap of faith.

I’m rambling, so I’ll finish up there. I would love to hear how you go, and if it all turns out Good luck, and know that we all think you’re amazing, regardless of what happens with GG

Laurin

KiKi & Tea