Career? I’ll Take Mum

June 29, 2012 in Children, Family, Lifestyle, Mothers, Parenting, People, Pregnancy & Birth, Relationships, Self, Society, Work

After reading Whippersnapper’s post I clarified something I have known for a long time: I don’t want a career. I know that’s not what you’re supposed to say, it’s not what people in your workplace, or even some other women, want to hear. But I can’t help it, ever since I was 18 years old and a doctor told me I may never be able to have children, that’s all I’ve wanted to do.

Let’s take a step back. When I was a kid I was convinced I was the world’s best singer and, naturally, it would only be a matter of time before someone discovered me and I became incredibly famous. It wasn’t too late in life I realised that probably would never happen, but I was still driven to achieve. I accepted the sad reality that, maybe, I wasn’t the world’s best singer but I was tall, thin and not entirely ugly. So the plan was modelling to make contacts, then launch my singing career from there. I even went so far as getting a modelling portfolio done and getting contacts at agencies.

Many things happened in between resulting in not actually following this dream, but the clincher was that day at the doctor’s. I have polycystic ovaries. Not serious as far as ovarian problems go, and incredibly common, but the seed of doubt was planted and from that moment on gone were my glittering dreams of the catwalk, replaced with nappies and baby smiles.

My mother is a career woman, a feminist, an academic, and a high achiever. She went back to work when I was 6 months old. I do not resent her that, but it’s not the life I want for me. I am 27 years old, and I’ll admit it, here and now – all I want in life is to be a mother.

Don’t get me wrong – I am a high achiever. I am driven. And my current role, which I’ve been doing for just under 2 years, is the longest time I’ve stayed in any one job without being promoted and moving on to bigger and better things. I want to earn money. I want to be satisfied, and I am good at what I do. While I’m at work I am going to put 110% into my work (although admittedly that is impossible). But my priority is, and always will be, my family.

I figure I can still be a high achiever when raising kids. Not at first, I mean who really cares when they’re adults who walked or talked first? And I’m not one for competition among people, ask me to play monopoly and I’ll run for the hills. But when they’re adults I can still be proud of the person they have become. I can still look at them and think to myself “yes, job well done!” And a mother is one of the few jobs where people will tell you “You were born to be a…”.

Will I feel differently after I have kids of my own? I don’t know. But I can’t wait to find out.

Did you always know what you wanted to be? Has it changed? Do you believe some people are born to be mothers?

Image courtesy of Linzi Aiken Photography

Author Info

Tamsin Howse has written 179 posts.
Tamsin is a wife, stepmother and blogger with a passion for people and relationships, fashion and beauty, and an inability to successfully complete household tasks. Co-founder and Editor-in-chief of KiKi & Tea.
Follow on twitter: @TamsinHowse
Website: http://kikiandtea.com

24 Comments »

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Mandi Aylmore

My job is a job, definitely not a career. I work to pay the bills.

I’ve never really been ambitious, never really had a dream to be ***insert something exciting here***. Sometimes I wonder if that makes me boring or something. I just live every day as it comes.

As far as having kids goes, I would love kids, but clearly I’m in no position to have any, financially or because, you know, I don’t have a partner. Slight problem there. I’m disappointed that I won’t get that chance to have kids, but not devastated. That may change though.
http://www.strongerbraversmarter.wordpress.com Lucy

I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mum. It’s my biggest dream and something I look forward to so, so much. Second to that is my dream to be a paediatric specialist or midwife. However, I don’t think I could be a stay at home mum. While I’m so desperate to be a brilliant mum and be there for my children, I want to demonstrate to them that there is so much for people to achieve and that it’s possible to make their dreams come true. My feelings might change when I have kids and I might decide to stay at home, and work when my children are grown, but for now I hope to have children, a career and a happy, healthy, balanced life.
- http://tinytrifles.blogspot.com.au Karen
  
  With respect, Lucy, I’m a SAHM and I firmly believe I do many things to “demonstrate to them that there is so much for people to achieve and it’s possible to make their dreams come true.”
  
  I totally understand you’re not having a dig at SAHM’s
  
  But just want to shed some light that a *career* isn’t the only way to show your kids that it’s possible to be high achiever. There are so many worthwhile things that can be achieved in tandem with SAHM duties!
  - http://www.strongerbraversmarter.wordpress.com Lucy
    
    Oh, I totally understand this. I just meant, as my dream is also to be a paediatric specialist, I would love to pursue this also to show my children that I followed my dreams and they can do whatever they want to do also!
    - http://tinytrifles.blogspot.com.au Karen
      
      Aha! Yep, makes sense. Good luck
  - Whippersnapper
    
    That sort of depends on what you define as a “SAHM”, I suppose, Karen. You’re studying for a career in the future. You are staying at home with your family right now.
    
    My mother stayed home and no intention of working, ever – I’m still perplexed as to what exactly she proposed to do once my brother and I left home. Everything changed once my father died, of course, and she works now, but I’m pretty sure that she didn’t ever intend to return to work, even after we were gone.
    
    I mean, SAHP come in all different shapes, I guess. My definition of SAHP is probably someone who intends to stay at home, forever, even if their kids turn 18 and leave home in the SAHP’s 40s or early 50s. Someone in your position to me, seems like someone who has put a career on hold for a period of time until it suits the family to work again.
    - http://www.strongerbraversmarter.wordpress.com Lucy
      
      My mum was a SAHM. She has only ever worked short stints, once in a local cafe as far as I know. She followed my dad from job to job raising 5 kids. I’m the youngest and I’ve just moved out of home, she’s not working and has no intention to (even if she did, her arthritis would limit her capabilities). I think there are different perceptions of SAHP, and for me I guess it’s someone like my mum who hasn’t, and doesn’t intend to work for the sake of raising their children and then enjoying the time to themselves once their kids leave home.
    - http://tinytrifles.blogspot.com.au Karen
      
      Hmmmm…
      
      I’m studying because I’m interested and I’d like the OPTION of having a career to go to once my kids are older. I had admin jobs prior to having kids because I needed to pay the bills, but it wasn’t a career and I’d only go back to admin work if my life depended on it (literally).
      
      Even though I’m studying, I could actually imagine a life in which I didn’t ever go back to paid work. I’m constantly amazed at the multitude of fulfilling ways I can spend my time when the kids are at school.
      
      Being a SAHM with no intention of having a paid career doesn’t necessarily translate to boredom, isolation and idleness (and I don’t think that was your point!). Just being “around” for family, friends, neighbours, community groups etc etc is a busy and worthwhile way to spend a life. It’s just so uncommon with our very work-centric society.
Detachable Princess

Like you, T, I always knew that I would be a mum. I am lucky enough that we can afford for me to stay home, I know. People ask sometimes “what do you do” and I say “I’m a mum”. Some of them seem a bit surprised that I have no “outside” job.

I’m not going to sugarcoat this next bit for you: Sometimes it sucks. It’s frustrating, tedious, maddening, boring and repetitive. But it’s also magic, fulfilling, relaxed, fun and hilarious. My kids astound me just about every day with new things they can do, insightful questions they ask, and sometimes they have me falling over with laughter. Each of them, multiple times per day, will come running to find me wherever I am in the house to give me a massive cuddle and kiss – and THAT is one thing I would never ever give up.
http://tinytrifles.blogspot.com.au Karen

I don’t know when it happened, but at some point over the last decade I realised that staying out of the workforce and raising my children is the only thing I want to be doing right now.

It’s not because I don’t want a career (I do – I’m studying to be a school psychologist).

It’s not because I philosophically believe women *should* stay home with the kids (I don’t – I could argue all sides of that debate till I was blue in the face).

It’s not because I’m weirdly over-invested in my kids’ lives – in fact my kids have more independence and do more housework than many other families I know.

But for me, I feel most ‘myself’ when I wake up every morning and spend my day taking care of my household. Doing things like tidying the house, volunteering at school, grocery shopping, catching up with other mums, tracking our budget, and blogging about it for posterity’s sake is what makes me tick.

I know this life would drive some others to tears. Believe me, I’ve heard some women emphatically cry “Oh I’m NOT a homemaker, you’d NEVER catch me baking in the kitchen all day, it would drive me MENTAL!” far too many times to be able to forget it.*

I don’t think one way of mothering is better than another and I love hearing about how other create the best fit for their family.

But this is me. This is what makes me happy. And the great thing about it is it makes my family happy too. We’re all happy little piggies together

*for the record, it hurts my feelings very deeply when I hear this. I can’t help but take it personally. Every time someone says this to me – and it happens at least once a month – it’s like a slap in the face that “You’re so boring and downtrodden, thank God I’m never going to be like that.” I’m sure people don’t mean it that way but it’s certainly the tone that comes across. Glad I got that off my chest!
- http://tamsinhowse.com/blog Tamsin Howse
  
  I don’t think one way of mothering is best either. In fact I would argue that the best thing you can do for your kids is be happy with your life, whether that is staying at home like you do, and I’d like to, or whether it’s working, studying, whatever. Your kids can tell if you aren’t happy.
  
  I, too, have heard sentiments like that, which is why I felt it important to publish this. To say that to be at home is what I WANT. It’s not about what I feel would be best for my kids, I think kids are pretty resilient, it’s not about a competition. It’s what I want to do!
  
  We will probably never be in a position financially for me to be able to, but it is what I want. And I don’t think there are enough people who say that.
- MrsGinger
  
  Karen, I hear you. I’m not a homemaker, I WISH I was and I WISH that being a SAHM meant baking in the kitchen all day! I would LOVE that. I had grand ideas of motherhood before my daughter was born. I’d stay home, the house would be kept perfectly clean, beautiful dinners every night on the table, regular exercise… HA! Who knew kids would rather your attention than a spotless house, your kisses and cuddles rather than a gourmet meal, and playing horsey rather than watch you do crunches! People have rather misguided ideas about what it means to ‘stay at home’…I know I did.
  
  On the flipside, I’ve had to go back to work. Not because I wanted to, but because we needed the money. I now find that I really enjoy my work days and appreciate my stay-at-home days even more, but I think my personality-type needed that. For the record, I too get hurt when people say, “I could NEVER go back to work. I’ve chosen to invest myself in my family and that’s my career because being there for my kids is more important to me.” As if working means you’re not there for them? That you’re somehow cold and heartless.
  
  That’s not meant as a criticism of what you’ve said, it’s just interesting that whichever way you choose there’s always a nay-sayer or some kind of judgement.
  
  PS. Karen, I enjoy the way you write.
  - http://tinytrifles.blogspot.com.au Karen
    
    Oh you’re so right – it’s cruel to hear the implication that you choose to work in preference to your kids’ wellbeing. I don’t think there’s a person on earth that would knowingly do that! It’s such a shortsighted attitude.
    
    As for going back to work, I’ve had that battle too. It’s probably worth my while describing my journey – not because I think you need to hear it but because you never know who’s reading these comments and could do with some moral support… (so tune out if you’re done )
    
    So about going back to work for the money – when my first child was 18 months old I (a) fell pregnant with #2 and (b) went back to work for 3 days per week. My husband was working FT and studying PT and he was earning a grand sum of $28,000 a year. It was 2003, we rented a home, had no immediate family within a 3hr drive, and it was very tough! I put toddler #1 in FDC and found a wonderful PT job with very understanding employers. I stopped work to have baby #2 but then went back when he was 6 months old because we still needed the money (but by this time hub had advanced to $35,000 – woot!).
    
    When I fell pregnant with #3 my #1 was starting school and I just had to admit that I couldn’t manage to work, get her to school and back, plus look after a baby and a toddler. Thankfully hub’s salary had increased again, but only by enough to cover the basics for a family of 5 – including servicing debt we’d accumulated as a result of years of low incomes (money for car repairs etc). It was wobbly for a while but thank God it evened out for us.
    
    It’s been much easier on one wage in recent years now that he’s finished uni and has a different job. But there are serious tradeoffs – we rent our house and don’t think we’ll be able to buy within at least the next five years. We accumulated debt that we’ve nearly paid off. We own one car that is 17 years old and is just about to die. Half our furniture is still hand-me-down stuff. We do the usual penny pinching on clothes and haircuts and holidays (ie we do them but they’re all budget!).
    
    But we know that (a) we’re more than blessed to be able to pay all our bills (b) the day will come when we can buy a new car etc and (c) we’re running our own race and it’s pointless to compare ourselves to others.
    
    I guess the reason why I don’t like being told staying home is boring is because I’ve actually worked hard and sacrificed a lot to be able to stay home, and when people reject it, it’s like they’re rejecting who I am. I need to get over it! And I imagine it hurts your feelings when people say to you that they think it’s more worthy to stay home with the kids than to work – because they’re rejecting the intelligent decisions you’ve made and the way you’re providing a better life for your kids by ensuring there’s enough money coming in to the home to keep everyone healthy, nourished and warm and that you’re a better mum when your mind is refreshed and exercised with a change of scenery.
    
    Aaaarrrggghhh!!!! Yes. The naysayers can get stuffed
    
    Loved chatting with you And thanks for the compliment about my writing. I thought your comment was beautifully articulated too!
Whippersnapper

I’ve no idea what I will do when I have kids. I lean towards working part time. I never ever thought about getting married or having children as a teen, I had a different goal to focus on.

Now I’m in a relationship that will (bloody well soon!) or should lead to marriage and children. My career is important. But I have no idea how I’m going to feel when I have kids. But even if I do take some time off, I’ll be back practising eventually, because they’ll be gone from home by the time I’m in my 50s and I plan to work until at least age 70!!
Melissa Savage

The careers advisor at my high school was fond of reminding us that the definition of ‘career’ is ‘progress through life’. For some people their career is being the full time CEO of their household, for others it might mean training as a lawyer and progressing up the ranks until they take silk and get a seat on the high court and for most people, their career includes several jobs in the formal workplace, at home or in a voluntary capacity on top of their day job, like religious ministers.

I think the key thing is that women our age have the choice to be in the paid workforce or not. Our grandmothers didn’t get a choice. Up until 1966, women public servants like me had to resign their jobs when they got married and the choice was pretty stark: if you married and had children you didn’t work again. One or the other, no matter what your individual skills and interests were. I was ruminating over on MM earlier about how we have a long way to go in the way we view work and home life. There’s still strong compartmentalisation of the two and a lack of lateral thinking about what a career, or a working adult’s life, looks like.
Kim-Marie

I always wanted to be a mother. For years before and after, I’ve been told I was born to be a mother. That’s nice. Really nice.

Part of the reason I went to business college is that my skills ate transferable. I can do long hours as a high powered EA or work school hours a few days a week. I probably work smarter and harder in my part time jobs because I have t get it done and get out of there.

I also have PCO. I don’t think I have PCOS at the moment. We did IVF and now I’m the proud mama of Boyo. Best thing I ever did! X
Valentina B

I’ve never actually had that feeling of “this is what i want to do for thhe rest of my life.”
Growing up all my friends knew what they wanted to do. Year 11 and 12 were hard for me because I didn’t know what i wanted to do and so had to choose subjects that would cover a range of options.

At (just nearly) 26 I still don’t know what I want to do. In all honestly, I’m not that ambitious. I’m surviving quite well pay wise (thanks living at home!!) and if i could stay at my job forever and manage, then i’d probably do that.

I think some people just know, deep down what is the right path for them and I say good on them. whatever their choice i’m always a little jealous. I wish I had something in me that wants something so bad.
Naz Kovacs

I grew up with both parents working pretty much full-time. When we were kids my grandma used to take care of us during the day until my mum or dad would come home and take over, even when we moved to Australia (I was 6 older sister was 7 and younger sister was born the year after) my parents wanted to establish a home for us straight away so within a few months of living with my aunt & uncle they bought their first house and both of them went to work pretty much straight away (although not in their field of study – that happened later).

Both my parents have always been both career and family minded, I think about it now and think how did they do it? My mum especially. Having come to an entirely new country and gone head first into work. My mum is a school teacher by trade and dad is an Engineer, by they worked all sorts of jobs as they were bringing us up and I don’t ever remember them complaining. Mum would even find time to constantly have people over to our house and cook massive amounts of food. My dad is now 67 and my mum is turning 60 this year and they are both still working full-time and have to constantly travel back and forth for work.

In their own way, especially my mum, they have sort of installed in us the sense that you can have both a career and a family. My mum has said to me in the past even if you get married (this was before I did get married and she never said when, but if because she didn’t believe we MUST get married) and if you have kids (again IF) then even if you don’t work full-time at least work part-time. She was a firm believer in a woman having her own career and making her own money.

I am currently in a situation where I am unable to work in my preferred field and so I am working 2 part-time jobs. While the pay is not THAT great it still gets me out of the house and interacting with others. I am working on being able to work in my field (teaching) over here but there’s a lot of process I have to go through. As for kids I honestly thought I would have had them by now but I life has taken a different course for me so I hope that will come in the next 2 years (fingers crossed). I definitely want to work when I have kids but it will most likely be part-time. I am not overly ambitious, unlike my sisters who were both that way from a young age, but I do still want to work.
monkau

Time goes faat, you need backup in case you cant continue to be a SAHM.
i only went and started work when tara turned 7 because centrelink decided they were not going to pay my single parent payments anymore, which is cool, i had my time, and Dan moved in shortly after anyway so they would have stopped paying me me then anyway.

but, i must say.

I HATE WORKING.
id much rather stay home and help my sister now that she has broken up with her hubby and has to handle a 4y.o and 1y.o alone. but i have to work, we cant afford to stay home :c
Lady Lizard

I do want to have children (although at this point it may never happen) but I’ll admit the thought scares me. The idea of being responsible for raising little minds into functional human beings is intimidating. People keep telling me I’m a ‘natural mother’ but I look at my god children with unlimited love but complete fear and confusion. I thought it would get better after the learnt to speak, but I’m still scared.

I guess what this means is that I have a great deal of difficulty envisaging myself as a SAHM. I love my career (I’m proud to be a financial planner too) and can see how that would develop over time. It’s funny because in opposite to your article T, I do feel some pressure that my lack of mothering instinct makes me less of a woman in some way (ridiculous I know, and only in my head, but still). I guess we all want what we don’t have.

At least at the moment I don’t really need to worry. The decision is being made for me. You got to get a date before you can have a baby So at the moment I’m loving my single life
dramaqueen75

I always wanted to be a children’s entertainer / Playschool presenter when I grew up, lol

Managed to find a few compromises – worked two days a week part time teaching when the kids were little. Love teaching, love watching kids grow and learn. My middle child was a nightmare baby who had recurring ear infections and was often sick and grumpy. Don’t get me wrong, he could be adorable too. I looked forward to dressing up in nice clothes, going out into the world and working. I would sometimes joke that going to work were my days off!

That being said I also adored my time at home, poking about the house, hanging with the kids, meeting other mums and kids at the playground, spending time with my retired grandmother and parents. It was wonderful.

As they got older I was able to put in the community time in the school canteens, playground committee, community preschool parent’s board, school band etc. It was a hectic time and we never had much money but I felt I was able to have a foot in each “camp” – money and career.

Now I have one kid started uni, one in year 11 and one in year 5. I work an average of 8 days a fortnight and my days home are treasured but hectic. I struggle to keep on top of the domestic chores and have the warm, comfy home that makes me happy. I used to be a regular runner but am finding it hard to prioritise the time. I have two teenagers who are learning to drive and seem to spend a lot of time in the car. I miss out on school dance concerts and my youngest doesn’t seems to have as rich a social life as the older two did as i am not hanging out with other mums so much now- I drift in and out of the school playground once or twice a term.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my life, I get much pleasure from my job and I am loving this stage with my family (two young adults and a preteen! Watching them blossom before my eyes is magic).

In all honesty though, if I didn’t have to work I wouldn’t. I would start a youth theatre group, rebuild my community theatre group which has languished as we are all working long hours and have no time for community at the moment. I would reclaim my fitness and reenergise my friendships.

You can have it all – you just can’t have it all at once
Kris

I kind of envy people who are happy being at home. I’m not a homemaker. I just don’t have that gene. Hate cleaning, don’t get worried about things being just – so. I have stuff I like, but it’s not a major part of life for me. Maybe that’s why the navy was such a good fit – don’t get super attached with this kind of thing? As long as I have a tv and computer and comfortable lounge, I’m happy.

I got bored being at home all day, every day. Sometimes it’s nice for a change, but I was bored and so was KDot. Back to school today after a week off sick – both looking forward to it!
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